Self-Coaching Tip: Community is the Place Where Your Gifts are Received

The word "community" comes from a Latin word that means "the place where our gifts are received."

What a powerful thought: the place where our gifts are received!

I spent a large part of my life wanting to feel as if I belonged. To have the gift of ME accepted, understood and valued. I longed for someone to truly see me for who I was instead of for what I could do for them or how well I performed.

But, until I learned the self-coaching skills to do this for myself, I found myself ignoring or pushing away any attempt by others to receive my gifts. Teachers tried to take me under their wing. Adult neighbors often protected me from bullies. My parents tried to let me know they loved me in a variety of ways. Girl friends tried to include me. Boys and men I dated often adored me. But, I couldn't see it because I was so busy judging myself as lacking in some way and distrusting others' motives.

And the problem was compounded because many who were attempting to let me know how valued I was to them, had the same problem. They were insecure with their own gifts so when I refused their overtures, they quickly backed down.

Fortunately, I came into contact with a couple of people who didn't back down. Who had developed the skills to not be influenced by other people's reactions. They had found their gifts, were accepting of themselves and were able to model that acceptance for me.

These wonderful people gave me my first glimpse of a community as a place where my gifts are received. And I was hooked!

Activating Your Gifts

I set an intention to learn how to do this for myself and my family. I tried a variety of things, but the first strategy that worked was to look at those people I truly loved and admired and wanted to be like.

I wrote down the names of everyone I knew. Then, next to their names I wrote down every trait and quality I admired. As I was doing this, I realized that one of my beliefs kept running through my head: "people who annoy you are mirroring back a part of yourself that you find annoying."

I stopped for a moment, wondering why this thought kept repeating over and over. I was trying to focus on the positive, admirable traits of everyone on my list. Why was this thought distracting me?

And then, I heard an old math teacher's voice in my head: "mathematical equations work in both directions."

I stopped breathing for a moment.

I looked back at my list trying to absorb the impact of what I had just learned.

And then I wrote down my new belief: "If people with negative traits are mirroring unclaimed parts of myself back to me, then people who I love and admire are mirroring unclaimed parts of me too!"

That was a turning point for me. Instead of focusing my energy on getting rid of the unwanted traits in myself, I began focusing on reclaiming the positive, loving aspects of myself. And, once I turned my attention to what I did want for me, more and more people showed up in my life who had those same traits. They supported me in activating those traits and in learning how to stay true to myself, even when others disagreed with me.

Today, all of the communities I belong to are places where my gifts are received because I learned how to receive myself.

Self-Coaching Tip: Pre-Tend to Your Future

From a very early age, we have had the ability to visualize or tap into our kinesthetic body. We called it "pretending." As children, we routinely tried on new patterns of Being, instinctually exploring our Authentic Nature by trying on different personas and seeing how they "fit." Being a ballerina or astronaut may have "resonated" with our Authentic Self, while being the ‘bad guy’ might have left us feeling cold.

When we tried on a persona that resonated, we delved into that experience over and over, developing a deep affinity for the traits we perceived as "ballerina," or “astronaut," or "doctor." Most of us stopped pretending as we moved into adulthood, judging the practice as immature. But, actually, pretending is an easy and effortless way to change from a state of fear, anxiety or uncertainty to a state of love, confidence, and hope.

Pretending allows us to tap into our Spiritual Power by combining thought with movement. When we pretend and really get into the experience of pretending, we begin to activate the traits within us that support, rather than inhibit attracting the life we want. The power of pretending lies in the purposeful movement that amplifies the trait we want to activate and maintain. The purposeful movement in pretending includes rhythm, breathing and posture.

Think of it as Pre-Tending to your future. By moving into the energetic essence of what you want to co-create with Source, you’re activating the Law of Attraction. More importantly, you’re focused on BE-ing in the moment and ‘allowing’ Source to worry about how it will show up. State your intention to stay in this ‘play’ energy while completing a task and notice any changes in your body, thoughts and emotions while pretending your way through the task.

"Swept up by the deepest states of play, one feels balanced, creative, focused. Deep play is a fascinating hallmark of being human; it reveals our need to seek a special brand of transcendence, with a passion that makes thrill-seeking explicable, creativity possible, and religion inevitable." ~ Diane Ackerman, author of Deep Play

Self-Coaching Tip: Your Soul's Desires Activate the Law of Attraction

Sometimes knowing about the Law of Attraction can get you into trouble. You begin to measure your spiritual growth by what you’re attracting into your life. You know, getting the flu means you're harboring less than joyful emotions, lower back pain means you have a poor relationship with money, feeling fear means you're spiritually lacking. You judge what is coming into your life, and subsequently, you judge your self. But Spirit, in it’s infinite wisdom, is sending you exactly what you need to attract what you truly desire.

Here's an example from Belinda Ryan, a Master Spiritual Life Coach:

"While going through a sticky divorce, my lawyer told me I couldn’t sell the house. However, my ex-husband wasn’t paying alimony, my lawyer refused to do any more work until he was paid, and my checking account was overdrawn. I needed the money that selling the house would bring me.

"I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. ‘Why?’ was a question all too available.

"Realizing my question put me in a ‘victim’ place, I asked myself, ‘What can I do for myself in this moment?’

"I broke away from my upset to take a shower. While calming down under the warm water, I remembered to ask myself some more connecting questions such as ‘What do I really want?’

"My answer shocked me: ‘Well, I really want to stay in the house with my children!’"

Get in Touch with What You Truly Want, Not What You Think You Want

The Law of Attraction is always working to bring you what you truly want; not what you think you want. Belinda learned that the Law of Attraction would make it impossible for her to give up what she truly desired even though logic told her she had to sell her house in order to provide for her children.

The Law of Attraction is activated by your desires (emotions). It doesn’t take into account what you perceive as the ‘logical thing to do’ nor does it take into account any judgments you may have about your own desires.

As long as you remain unconscious about your deeply held emotional desires, you feel helpless and powerless to deal with whatever you’re attracting into your life. Only when you have a self-coaching process to bring into conscious awareness your deepest desires can you begin to feel empowered and consciously activate the Law of Attraction.

The most miraculous aspect of the Law of Attraction is that it doesn’t keep score. For example, once you’ve connected in with your Soul’s Desire and gotten clear about what you want, the Law of Attraction goes to work. You don’t have to clear your account of all the times you unintentionally or unconsciously attracted something else.
To Activate the Law of Attraction, You Must Allow in Your Deepest Desires

Allowing is a self-coaching skill that requires specific body, emotion and thought patterns. Once Belinda began to “allow” (stop resisting) her Deepest Desire to stay in the family home even though it appeared financially foolish, the external situation changed immediately.

Belinda’s attorney, who had refused to do any more work for her until he was paid, changed his attitude. He worked to get the back support payments from Belinda’s ex-husband so he could be paid. This also gave Belinda the money she needed to provide for her children.

Over the following months of the divorce proceedings, Belinda realized how much stability she and the children felt because they stayed in the house. If they had moved, Belinda and her children would have had to deal with two major life-changing stresses: moving AND divorce. Staying in the house, a familiar setting, gave them a sense of comfort and security during the major changes that occurred because of the divorce.

Belinda also had a new intention for herself: “I am open to other possibilities so that I can recognize solutions when they arrive instead of remaining blinded by my panic.”


(excerpted from "Spiritual Cross-Training: REAL-izing Your Authentic Power in Today's World)

Self-Coaching Tip: Change the Questions You Ask Your Self

Sometimes knowing about the Law of Attraction gets me into trouble. I begin to measure my spiritual growth by what I'm attracting into my life. You know, getting caught in traffic means I'm harboring less than joyful emotions, lower back pain means I had a poor relationship with money, fighting with my ex means I'm spiritually lacking.

But, the Universe in it's infinite wisdom, finds a way to get me back on track. In this case, it happened while coaching a client. She was berating herself for attracting Candida into her life and trying desperately to figure out what she had done wrong. She knew she had done something wrong because she no longer felt connected to Spirit, no longer felt joyful and loving. In fact, she felt quite miserable and depressed.

And out of my mouth comes, "Why do you think being connected to Spirit means you're going to feel good?"

Now, when I'm coaching, I've set my Intention to let Spirit coach through me. So, when something like that question comes out, something that has no relation to what I believe, I know Spirit is speaking.

And when Spirit asks, I listen. Because these coaching sessions are not just about the client. I get coached by Spirit, too. And no matter what a client is working on, I know he/she is mirroring to me something I'm supposed to work on.

So, I set to work, clearing away some of my limiting beliefs about the Law of Attraction. I began by stopping myself from asking, "what am I doing wrong?" every time I got a migraine headache. That question dis-empowered me. It made me feel worse about myself.

Instead, I began asking, "what guidance am I receiving?" And, miraculously, the way I felt about myself changed. I became more accepting and loving about myself. And I realized the headache was guidance to take care of myself. From there, I struggled and finally learned how to give myself permission to stop driving myself to complete a task and take the time to nurture myself.

Change a Dis-Connecting Question to a Connecting Question

There are two kinds of questions we can ask ourselves when we are faced with challenges (contrast)—questions that connect us to our Soul/Source or questions that dis-connect us from our Soul/Source:

Disconnecting questions take us to automatic reaction, judgment, blame and a “win-lose” mind-set. These questions take us to the energy of judgment, pessimism, stress and limitations.

Our mindset becomes reactive, inflexible and judgmental. Our relationship with our Self and Source operates in an “attack or defend” mode. (e.g., What’s wrong with me? Whose fault is it? Why bother? How can I stay in control?)

Connecting questions allow us to manage our thought energies by focusing on solutions. These questions activate a “win-win” intention. Connecting questions shift our energy to vibrate optimism, hope and possibilities. Our mindset becomes thoughtful, flexible and accepting.

Connecting questions shift the energy of our relationship to Soul/ Source towards a collaborative and innovative mode. (e.g., What’s right with me? What are my choices? What action steps would be practical and strategic? What can I learn? What do I need?)

Whenever you notice your questions are disconnecting, take a moment to change it so you re-connect to your Soul.

Self-Coaching Tip: Take 1-2 Minute Movement Breaks

Self-Coaching Tips - Quantum Spirit

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Intention is Everything!

When I first began keeping a journal, my intention was to record all the horrid little details of my life to protect myself from having to repeat them. But the intention – protection – was coming from a place of fear. I felt powerless to stop the misery in my life and so I’d focus all my attention on my misery, hoping to find a way to stop it. Of course that didn’t work. The more I focused on it, the more miserable I became; my misery, like a scratched record, stuck in one place, kept repeating itself ad nauseum.

And then, one day, a friend gave me a copy of The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. The author, Julia Cameron, suggests writing ‘morning pages’ to allow us to get out of our own way and tap into our creativity. Since I was tired and bored of my own stories, I decided to give it a try. I had nothing to lose.

Surprisingly, the format of my journal entries didn’t change much. I still recorded every little miserable detail of my life. But, now my Intention had changed. After a few days of this, I began feeling lighter, less afraid. After another week, I discovered a very old, buried belief I had:

“If I forget anything, someone will die.”

Uncovering this belief was quite a shock!

I’m not sure where it came from, but I knew/felt it was an explanation I had developed as a very young child to protect myself. I looked at the dozens of journals I had written over the last few decades. Every single one of them was born from a child’s need to feel protected.

I began writing each day to this inner child. Telling her I was now an adult and I had discovered easier ways of protection. I thanked her profusely for loving me so strongly that she would use all of her energies to ‘remember’ everything in an attempt to protect me from others. I told her that was a lot of responsibility for such a little girl and, if she was ready, I was willing to take over now.

I felt her relief in my body. She was more than willing to give up this job and become a little girl again. We continued conversing on the pages of my journals and after a few more days, when she could see that her belief was no longer necessary, we created a solemn ceremony and burned all the old journals.

Once I took over the role of protector, this small inner child surprised me once again. Relieved of her responsibilities, she showed me another aspect of her amazing power: she was the source of my creativity! She was wild and joyous and a wannabe writer with a wicked sense of humor. She couldn’t wait for us to begin writing every day, delighted when her words appeared on the page. She’d giggle when I’d look at what we’d written and was surprised at seeing paragraphs and sentences that I had no memory of writing.

After forty years of recording my misery, it took only a week for the healing to begin once I changed my intention. Now, I was partnering with my fear and need for protection in a new way. This new partnership led me back to this young part of myself who held the power of my creativity. Now, 10 years later, she’s always present when I’m writing and wants you to know that writing this story was her idea.

What's your Intention for today?


To learn more self-coaching ideas, join our Spiritual Cross-Training program on May 18, 2009.

Your Body Rules

Loving Greetings,

As I began listening to my body, new possibilities opened up to me. For example, realizing I was overwhelmed with energetic information in a classroom, opened up the possibility that I may not be as dumb as I thought.

But how do you change a belief you've had about yourself since childhood?

I began by setting an intention to stop calling myself stupid. After all, I wouldn't call anybody else stupid, so I could at least treat myself as well as I treat others.

Each morning, during my meditations, I stated my intention out loud to be kind to myself in my thoughts, words and actions, to the best of my abilities. Then I noticed what happened to my energy. I paid attention to see if my energy drained away, stayed the same or increased. If my energy drained, I changed the words in my intention until I felt better.

My intention seemed to work for a while, until I made a mistake, bumped into something, or forgot an appointment. Then my thoughts about myself reverted to their old pattern. I thought of this old pattern as my "inner critic." Obviously, an intention was not enough. So I asked my inner critic to partner with me in changing this thought pattern. One memory surfaced up each time I asked my inner critic to help me.

I learned at a very early age to constrict, or tense, my body in an effort to become invisible to the nuns at school. They were always shaking me and screaming at me because I couldn't seem to stand in line the ‘right’ way. And I had no idea what I was doing wrong; so I couldn’t fix the situation! This pattern of constriction reinforced my limiting beliefs around being stupid: "I’m not smart enough to know what to do in any situation."

The more I tried sheer willpower or affirmations or journaling or dialoging with my Inner Critic, the more evidence showed up in my life to prove how stupid I was.

So, how did I get my Inner Critic to hush up?

By using my body to coach myself.

For me, and my Inner Critic, being stupid meant being slow.

My body movements, however, were anything but slow. My breathing was fast and shallow. My movements (walking, talking, picking things up) were too fast and uncoordinated. My thoughts were racing. I was constantly bombarded by intense emotions.

Somewhere along the line, my body, in a constant state of stress had forgotten the pattern of slowing down. So, I used body movement to learn how to re-gain control of my body. I began by speeding up my breathing and movements and then contrasted that with slower breathing and movements.

It took less than 2 weeks before I began noticing the difference in my thoughts and reactions to situations. Instead of reacting defensively, my thoughts were calmer and I could access many different options in a situation. My responses became more appropriate for the situations and people were being kind, rather than attacking me.

It seems almost too simple, doesn’t it?

But, changing your body’s patterns actually changes your thoughts. And your emotions, too!

You see, my body’s pattern of tensing up actually cued my Inner Critic to start up its story of being mentally slow. So, when my body didn’t tense up, my Inner Critic didn’t know it was time to begin its story!

As an added bonus, I didn’t get defensive if I wasn’t tensed, so my emotional state didn’t trigger my Inner Critic to speak up either.

To find out more about using your body to quiet your inner critic, try my free Ecourse, "Self Coaching Techniques" at http://www.spiritualcrosstraining.com/