Self-Coaching Tip: Increase Your Tolerance for Bliss

Several years ago, one of my life-long dreams came true. It took me by surprise and, once I recovered from the shock, I began crying uncontrollably. After an hour, I was still crying, wondering what was wrong with me. I called my therapist and told him what had happened. He told me I was crying because I was happy. I told him this didn't feel like happiness to me!

At that moment, my 6-year old son walked into the room, looked at my face and asked, "Momma, why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad. I'm happy."

"Why do you look sad?"

"Because I don't do happy very well, yet."

That seemed a perfectly logical answer to him and he went back to playing. And it seemed quite logical to me, too. I couldn't remember ever feeling quite like this before and the feeling scared me. It was too much of something, a good thing. But, now that I knew what it was, I could begin to learn how to process it.

I went into the living room, lit a fire in the fireplace, and, over the next two hours, attempted to let the happiness in. I did it slowly, a little bit at a time. Marveling at the new levels of joy and happiness I was beginning to experience. I began by setting an intention to allow in only as much joy as I could handle. Then, I breathed into the joy, focusing my attention on my heart because the energy of the joy seemed pressing down on my chest. I continued breathing into my heart, allowing it to be whatever it wanted to be. And soon the pain subsided, and a healing, calming presence replaced the scary pressure.

All my life, I've been holding on to, processing and healing painful emotions (energy). But, that day, I realized I had always pushed happiness and joy away, never allowing it in, never processing it, never tapping in to the healing qualities of these very positive emotions.

Because I had neglected getting to know these positive emotions, I didn't even recognize them when I felt them. They seemed too big, too overwhelming, too threatening. They scared me so much that I ran from them, assigning some negative connotation to them, and by extension, to me.

I've since discovered that as we learn to efficiently process emotions (energy), our bodies go through a detoxification, leaving us with new, sometimes, frightening feelings (emotions). Often these feelings, although initially painful, are really new, unfamiliar levels of peace, joy, happiness and/or contentment. Now, my clients and I periodically set our intentions to increase our Tolerance for Bliss.

Self-Coaching Tip: When You're in a Hurry, Slow Down

The other morning, my son, Jonathan, and I overslept. We awoke shortly before he was due at school. While I sleepily got dressed, Jonathan began rushing through the house, trying to put on his clothes, eat his breakfast and gather up his schoolbooks, all at the same time.

Suddenly, he stopped and began talking to himself, "Ok, Jon, slow down. When you're in a rush, you need to slow down." He took a few deep breaths and slowed his walking and decided to focus on eating his breakfast.

The next few moments seemed to slow down too, as Jonathan and I worked in perfect tandem to get him ready for school. We slowed our breathing, our movements and our thoughts. Time seemed stretch out into infinity, giving us all the time we needed. We talked quietly, joked lovingly and arrived at school in time.

I used to think mindfulness was about totally focusing on whatever task I was doing, blocking out all distractions. Now I know that mindfulness is actually a skill: the ability to maintain an awareness of how you are reacting to external stimuli--physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

When I do shut down or block out what's going on around me, my job, housework or exercise actually triggers my body's stress response and blocks my ability to stay in the present moment. Blocking out external stimulus is a pattern we've learned throughout our lives. Here's how my son and I work to develop our mindfulness skills. Take a few moments during the day to try the following:

1. Choose 1 of the following activities.

* Washing dishes

* Reading

* Paying

* Getting dressed

* Folding laundry

* Ironing

* Yard work

* Cooking

* Minor home repair

* Straightening your desk

* Answering email

* Other _____________

2. During the first few minutes, do the activity more quickly than normal.

3. Then do the activity more slowly than normal for a few minutes.

4. Finish the activity at a pace that is comfortable for you.

5. Take a moment to journal about your noticings.

Tip: Try to do this activity several times over the next week, at different times of the day and notice any similarities or differences if you:

* Change the activity

* Change the time of day

* Do the activity when you don't feel like doing it

And remember, this is supposed to be FUN! Just play with it.

Self-Coaching Tip: Community is the Place Where Your Gifts are Received

The word "community" comes from a Latin word that means "the place where our gifts are received."

What a powerful thought: the place where our gifts are received!

I spent a large part of my life wanting to feel as if I belonged. To have the gift of ME accepted, understood and valued. I longed for someone to truly see me for who I was instead of for what I could do for them or how well I performed.

But, until I learned the self-coaching skills to do this for myself, I found myself ignoring or pushing away any attempt by others to receive my gifts. Teachers tried to take me under their wing. Adult neighbors often protected me from bullies. My parents tried to let me know they loved me in a variety of ways. Girl friends tried to include me. Boys and men I dated often adored me. But, I couldn't see it because I was so busy judging myself as lacking in some way and distrusting others' motives.

And the problem was compounded because many who were attempting to let me know how valued I was to them, had the same problem. They were insecure with their own gifts so when I refused their overtures, they quickly backed down.

Fortunately, I came into contact with a couple of people who didn't back down. Who had developed the skills to not be influenced by other people's reactions. They had found their gifts, were accepting of themselves and were able to model that acceptance for me.

These wonderful people gave me my first glimpse of a community as a place where my gifts are received. And I was hooked!

Activating Your Gifts

I set an intention to learn how to do this for myself and my family. I tried a variety of things, but the first strategy that worked was to look at those people I truly loved and admired and wanted to be like.

I wrote down the names of everyone I knew. Then, next to their names I wrote down every trait and quality I admired. As I was doing this, I realized that one of my beliefs kept running through my head: "people who annoy you are mirroring back a part of yourself that you find annoying."

I stopped for a moment, wondering why this thought kept repeating over and over. I was trying to focus on the positive, admirable traits of everyone on my list. Why was this thought distracting me?

And then, I heard an old math teacher's voice in my head: "mathematical equations work in both directions."

I stopped breathing for a moment.

I looked back at my list trying to absorb the impact of what I had just learned.

And then I wrote down my new belief: "If people with negative traits are mirroring unclaimed parts of myself back to me, then people who I love and admire are mirroring unclaimed parts of me too!"

That was a turning point for me. Instead of focusing my energy on getting rid of the unwanted traits in myself, I began focusing on reclaiming the positive, loving aspects of myself. And, once I turned my attention to what I did want for me, more and more people showed up in my life who had those same traits. They supported me in activating those traits and in learning how to stay true to myself, even when others disagreed with me.

Today, all of the communities I belong to are places where my gifts are received because I learned how to receive myself.

Gift or Curse?

Loving Greetings,

I'll admit it. When my coach first told me I was an empath, I wasn't happy.

Sure, it explained a lot. Why I felt physically uncomfortable when I was around others. Why I experienced sudden, unexplained emotional highs and lows. Why I felt overwhelmed almost all of the time. Why I preferred being alone most of the time.

But, putting a label on it wasn't helping me feel better. It made me feel more helpless; as if, this 'empath' thing was just one more thing I had no control over. And, while my coach tried to help me, she didn't have many solutions that worked for me.

After several weeks of feeling 'cursed' with this empath condition, it finally occurred to me that maybe I was making myself more miserable with all the stories I was telling myself about 'empaths.' (Most of my stories were based on an old Star Trek episode in which an alien empath was at the mercy of everyone else's feelings -- and I definitely felt like a victim at the mercy of the rest of the world).

Perhaps it was time to explore this 'condition' to find ways to help myself.

That was 10 years ago. There wasn't much on the internet at the time, but it was the start of a miraculous journey of self-healing and empowerment. No longer do I view my empath abilities as a 'curse.' Instead, I embrace the gifts that come with my sensitivities to become a better person, parent, minister, spiritual life coach, and human being.

As I became more empowered as an empath, people began showing up: some as teachers, many as clients. I began sharing with them what I had learned about myself and that sharing not only helped my clients, but also accelerated my own journey to empowerment because I learned as much from my clients as they did from me.

With this blog, I continue my journey. I don't have all the answers for you, but I can share what I've learned. Keep in mind that every empath is different, so not everything will apply to you.

So, let's begin....
I have learned that empaths need out-of-the box solutions to everyday situations in order to live a life of peace and harmony. These solutions include:

• learning how to read your body's sensitivities as guidance and wisdom to increase your options in any situation, reduce overwhelm, enhance your creativity and improve your problem-solving abilities;
• raising your emotional intelligence to reduce your sensitivities, increase your ability for self-healing and helping others without losing yourself in the process;
• tapping into your Spiritual Nature to access the gifts of your sensitivities whenever you like.

Over the next few weeks, I'll discuss these solutions in more detail. I invite you to try them out for yourself. Do what feels good and leave the rest.

Peace and Blessings,
Carolyn



Want to know more before the next posting?

If you're overwhelmed, check out my ebook, Survival Guide for Empaths, Clairsentients and Highly Sensitive Persons

For more information, check out my website: The Care & Feeding of Empaths and HSPs.