Self-Coaching Tip: Expect the Unexpected

A few years ago, I set an Intention for peace and harmony in my relationship with my ex-husband. Within three days, the energy of the amplified intentions was having an impact on my life—but it didn't look anything like peace and harmony. Almost overnight, the situation with my ex-husband threatened to become litigious. I felt overwhelmed and threatened at a core survival level.

I knew what usually worked to coach myself through this situation, but I was having some difficulty. I became angry with my ex-, blaming him for the situation. For days, I held my anger as a protective shield against the primal fears that were surfacing. The anger interfered with my abilities to function effectively as a parent, a coach, a CEO. Finally, after several days of missing deadlines and appointments, I called a fellow Coach and asked for help. After doing the body movements that help me move out of my fears, I spent some time working through one of my favorite tools that helps me get out of my head enough to partner with the fear I was feeling. Then, my colleague led me through a visualization in which I saw all of my issues with my ex-husband as rocks, stones and pebbles loaded into a backpack. Below is the visualization and how it worked for me:
She directs me to a small footbridge spanning a river of healing, loving waters. I stop halfway across the bridge and open the backpack. I pull out the first rock. It is an old friend—abandonment. I hold it, touching the rough surface, feeling the emptiness of the emotion in my body. When I am ready, I toss it into the river and watch, transfixed by the changing colors as the rock is transformed by the loving energy.

I continue emptying the backpack, revisiting old, familiar issues I've been working on for years: self-worth, loneliness, betrayal. At the bottom of the pack is an unfamiliar issue. A small pebble, the size of a marble, dense and heavy. I hold it in my hands, waiting for guidance.

Sobs burst forth. It is guilt. A very old guilt. Time swirls around me, the past and future blending into the present. I am two years old, maybe three. My father is ill. He is changed. He is in pain. The guilt is born in that moment: guilt that I cannot alleviate his pain. I cannot make him laugh.

Every moment of my life takes on a new meaning. The buried guilt motivating my every action: if I don't fix the pain, I am not worthy.
me:
She directs me to a small footbridge spanning a river of healing, loving waters. I stop halfway across the bridge and open the backpack. I pull out the first rock. It is an old friend—abandonment. I hold it, touching the rough surface, feeling the emptiness of the emotion in my body. When I am ready, I toss it into the river and watch, transfixed by the changing colors as the rock is transformed by the loving energy.

I continue emptying the backpack, revisiting old, familiar issues I've been working on for years: self-worth, loneliness, betrayal. At the bottom of the pack is an unfamiliar issue. A small pebble, the size of a marble, dense and heavy. I hold it in my hands, waiting for guidance.

Sobs burst forth. It is guilt. A very old guilt. Time swirls around me, the past and future blending into the present. I am two years old, maybe three. My father is ill. He is changed. He is in pain. The guilt is born in that moment: guilt that I cannot alleviate his pain. I cannot make him laugh.

Every moment of my life takes on a new meaning. The buried guilt motivating my every action: if I don't fix the pain, I am not worthy.
That was my story. That was what I'd been telling myself since the birth of that guilt. Now that the story was out, I began to change it, re-script it, find new evidence of my worthiness. The evidence was already there. I just hadn’t let it in yet because it didn't fit my story. Every compliment, thank you, or gift I'd received over the years had been deflected, pushed away, because that little girl knew she wasn't any good. Now, I could re-visit those moments of acceptance in a new light, and begin to let the love and acceptance into my heart.

Is this how I expected peace and harmony to manifest in my life? Not at all. At some level, I was expecting my ex-husband's behavior to change, too. But, this inner peace and harmony is much more than I ever expected. I love myself in a new way now that I have found a new level of self-acceptance. And it affects my interactions with everyone else in my life. I judge myself and others less harshly. I love others in a new way. While you may find the unexpected as you develop your self-coaching skills, keep in mind, that the unexpected will be even better than you could imagine.

Self-Coaching Tip: Move Your Body, Change Your Thoughts

For a large part of my life, my Inner Critic often stopped me from learning or doing something new by saying, "I'm not smart enough to learn this." And then, it reminded me of all the subjects in school that I struggled with like math and science. I literally re-lived the pain and embarrassment and confusion of various math and science classes throughout my school years each time I tried to learn something new.

Here was a belief about myself that was not supporting me.

I was convinced that my brain was just ‘too slow’ to understand new ideas. But, my story about ‘being slow’ was only a part of the picture. When I applied self-coaching to look at the whole picture, I discovered a few surprises. Remember, self-coaching includes looking at your body, emotion and thought patterns. Here’s what the whole picture looked like:

• Story/ Thoughts: I’m too slow to learn new ideas.
• Emotions: pain, embarrassment & confusion
• Body: quick, jerky and clumsy movements

For me, being stupid meant being slow. My body movements, however, were anything but slow. My breathing was fast and shallow. My movements (walking, talking, picking things up) were too fast and uncoordinated.

Somewhere along the line, my body, in a constant state of stress, had forgotten the pattern of slowing down. So, I used contrasting movement to learn how to re-gain control of my body. I began by speeding up my breathing and movements and then contrasted that with slower breathing and movements. When I noticed I was racing across the room, I slowed my walking to a crawl before resuming a more normal pace. When I became aware that I was talking very fast, I took a breath and forced myself to speak more slowly. When I recognized that I was racing through housework, I stopped and did it in slow motion for a moment. When I resumed the housework, my movements were more coordinated and graceful.

It only took a few days before I began noticing the difference in my thoughts and reactions to situations. First, my Inner Critic quieted down enough so I could remember that some subjects in school were very easy for me. English, French, and History classes were so much fun for me that they didn’t seem like work. When I came into contact with other people, my thoughts were calmer and I could access many different options in a situation. My responses became more appropriate for the situations and people were being kind, rather than attacking me.

By changing my body movements, I easily and permanently changed my belief about myself. I no longer think of myself as stupid. The thoughts you think about your self are just patterns. They are held in place by emotional and body patterns. And the body pattern is the most predominant pattern. By changing your body’s pattern, by moving it differently, you can change very deep-seated beliefs that no longer serve you.

So, as you begin to coach yourself, don’t use sheer willpower. Move your body and change your thoughts. To find out more about the most effective movements to add to your self-coaching, join our 4-month Spiritual Cross-Training program, risk-free.

Self-Coaching Tip: Begin Where You Are

To celebrate the New Year, I’m using my self-coaching skills to transcend the historical practice of reflecting upon the past year and choosing goals for the New Year. Instead, I begin where I am.

Think of it like the directory in a shopping mall. There’s usually a map of all the stores with a big red dot that reads, ‘you are here.’ In order to get to the shop you want, you need to know where you are in relation to it.

I need to know which beliefs are holding me back and which beliefs are helping me move forward. need the guidance that my emotions hold for me. And finally, I need to communicate with my body to make permanent, lasting changes that are easy and effortless

Once I’m clear about where I am, really connected to myself on all three levels (physically, emotionally, mentally), something wondrous happens: co-creation.

Co-creating takes me to a new place of connection. Instead of focusing on what I’ve accomplished (a left brain activity) or floating contentedly in a meditative state (a right brain activity), I reach a balance between both sides of my brain. In this state, I see new possibilities to solving any problems I have; experience deeper connections in my relationships; and receive guidance for continued self-growth and spiritual evolution.

So, I invite you to begin this New Year by focusing on where you are, right now. When you truly know where you are at, you’ll see/hear/know where you’re going this year.

To experience how this might work, enroll for my free eCourse, "Self-Coaching Techniques," and learn one way to quiet your Inner Critic.

Self-Coaching Tip: Look at the Expectations Behind Your Intentions

Recently I was asked to speak to a group of Life Coaches about the practical aspects of blending self-coaching and spirituality into their everyday lives. During the discussion, it became apparent that many of the participants were keeping their spiritual practice separate from the rest of their day.

They often spent up to an hour each day in meditation, yoga, and/or prayer. But, they relied on that hour of spiritual practice to carry them throughout the day, usually with less than positive results. Most days they experienced some sense of lack or fear that washed away the feelings of connection they experienced during their spiritual practice.

As we continued our discussion, they were surprised to find that any feelings of lack or fear could, without any effort on their part, completely affect the rest of their day. Why, they wondered, couldn’t they maintain their connection to Source as easily as they maintained their connection to lack or fear?

We revisited their spiritual practices and discovered that while carrying out their daily spiritual practice, they held a conscious or unconscious intention to connect to Source. This intention is often experienced as a prayer or invocation they use to begin their spiritual practice each day.

“What do you think might happen,” I asked, “if you set an intention before every task you do throughout the day?”

“But, how can I possibly stay connected to Source when I’m doing a task I hate, like answering email?” asked one participant.

That question led to the definition of Intention: how you want to feel while doing something. In their spiritual practice they wanted to feel connected to Source. When they allowed their aversions or apathy to navigate their day, they were unconsciously setting intentions that dis-connected them from Source.

Here are three ways you may be unconsciously setting intentions during the day:

• Intention as a Chore: this is the type of intention most of us have been taught to hold. How many tasks do you do each day because you have to: I have to pay the bills, do the dishes, finish this report, etc. Each time you tell yourself, you have to do something, you’ve set an intention. Each of us experiences ‘have to’ in different ways, but it is usually associated with a less-than-joyful emotion. You may feel a sense of burden or victimization or fear.

• Intention as a Choice: you activate this type of intention every time you make a choice to do or not do something. The reason behind your choice is the intention you’re setting. For example, “if I don’t pay the mortgage, I’ll lose my house” sets an intention to experience lack or fear.

• Intention as a Specific Outcome: this is the type of intention you activate whenever you want a situation to be resolved in a certain way. For example, “I will attract $100,000 over the next six months.” The difficulty with this type of intention is the judgment you may hold around yourself if the specific outcome doesn’t manifest itself. If the $100,000 doesn’t show up, you may feel as if you’re doing something wrong or you’re not sufficiently evolved enough to attract that much money.

Every minute of every day, you are setting an intention either consciously or unconsciously. You know, from your spiritual practice, how powerful a consciously set intention can be. When you begin to raise your awareness around your unconscious intentions, you can begin bring them into alignment with our overall intention to stay connected to Source.

Self-Coaching Tip: Use Elements of Your Spiritual Practice Throughout the Day

Chances are if you're reading this, you have a spiritual practice. It might be meditation or prayer or yoga or painting or walking. But, within that spiritual practice you'll find clues to help you learn how to coach your self.

You'll find these clues by deconstructing, or breaking down, your spiritual practice. The movement associated with your spiritual practice is a form of self-coaching. Every spiritual practice includes some kind of ritual movement: a repetitive movement that allows you to connect in with Source. This repetitive movement brings your body into a sense of well-being and deep relaxation that allows you to tap into the higher brain processes necessary for connecting to Source. In short, you're coaching your Self into the body-emotion-thought patterns needed for Spiritual Connection.

The movement might be whole-body movement like that found in yoga or T'ai Chi, or it might be a subtle movement like deep breathing. Whatever your ritual movement is, you automatically move into your body, which brings you into the present moment.

When I began looking at the amount of movement during my day, I discovered just how sedentary my life was. As a writer, I sit in front of a computer all day long. The longer I sit, the shallower my breathing becomes and the harder I have to work to even think, let alone stay in the present moment. Interruptions late in the day annoyed me and I reacted to them in not-so-loving ways.

At first, I thought I needed to add more exercise to my day, but that really didn't help me stay present and relaxed throughout the whole day. So, I looked at my spiritual practice more closely. The amount of movement I needed to stay present and connected to Source didn't require 30-minutes of aerobic activity. To move into that place of connectedness, all I needed to do was move my body and change my posture. This movement changed my breathing, relaxed my body and stilled my mind.

I began incorporating one-minute movement breaks into my day. Using a kitchen timer, I stopped whatever I was working on every hour. I moved my whole body for 1-2 minutes (for movement break suggestions, see "Take 1-2 minute Movement Breaks).

The results were amazing! At the end of the day, I felt more energized, more creative and more connected to Source. I slept better at night and throughout the day I stayed in a more loving place, quietly welcoming interruptions as just another opportunity for movement that kept me connected to my Spiritual Nature.

Self-Coaching Tip: Increase Your Tolerance for Bliss

Several years ago, one of my life-long dreams came true. It took me by surprise and, once I recovered from the shock, I began crying uncontrollably. After an hour, I was still crying, wondering what was wrong with me. I called my therapist and told him what had happened. He told me I was crying because I was happy. I told him this didn't feel like happiness to me!

At that moment, my 6-year old son walked into the room, looked at my face and asked, "Momma, why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad. I'm happy."

"Why do you look sad?"

"Because I don't do happy very well, yet."

That seemed a perfectly logical answer to him and he went back to playing. And it seemed quite logical to me, too. I couldn't remember ever feeling quite like this before and the feeling scared me. It was too much of something, a good thing. But, now that I knew what it was, I could begin to learn how to process it.

I went into the living room, lit a fire in the fireplace, and, over the next two hours, attempted to let the happiness in. I did it slowly, a little bit at a time. Marveling at the new levels of joy and happiness I was beginning to experience. I began by setting an intention to allow in only as much joy as I could handle. Then, I breathed into the joy, focusing my attention on my heart because the energy of the joy seemed pressing down on my chest. I continued breathing into my heart, allowing it to be whatever it wanted to be. And soon the pain subsided, and a healing, calming presence replaced the scary pressure.

All my life, I've been holding on to, processing and healing painful emotions (energy). But, that day, I realized I had always pushed happiness and joy away, never allowing it in, never processing it, never tapping in to the healing qualities of these very positive emotions.

Because I had neglected getting to know these positive emotions, I didn't even recognize them when I felt them. They seemed too big, too overwhelming, too threatening. They scared me so much that I ran from them, assigning some negative connotation to them, and by extension, to me.

I've since discovered that as we learn to efficiently process emotions (energy), our bodies go through a detoxification, leaving us with new, sometimes, frightening feelings (emotions). Often these feelings, although initially painful, are really new, unfamiliar levels of peace, joy, happiness and/or contentment. Now, my clients and I periodically set our intentions to increase our Tolerance for Bliss.

Self-Coaching Tip: Community is the Place Where Your Gifts are Received

The word "community" comes from a Latin word that means "the place where our gifts are received."

What a powerful thought: the place where our gifts are received!

I spent a large part of my life wanting to feel as if I belonged. To have the gift of ME accepted, understood and valued. I longed for someone to truly see me for who I was instead of for what I could do for them or how well I performed.

But, until I learned the self-coaching skills to do this for myself, I found myself ignoring or pushing away any attempt by others to receive my gifts. Teachers tried to take me under their wing. Adult neighbors often protected me from bullies. My parents tried to let me know they loved me in a variety of ways. Girl friends tried to include me. Boys and men I dated often adored me. But, I couldn't see it because I was so busy judging myself as lacking in some way and distrusting others' motives.

And the problem was compounded because many who were attempting to let me know how valued I was to them, had the same problem. They were insecure with their own gifts so when I refused their overtures, they quickly backed down.

Fortunately, I came into contact with a couple of people who didn't back down. Who had developed the skills to not be influenced by other people's reactions. They had found their gifts, were accepting of themselves and were able to model that acceptance for me.

These wonderful people gave me my first glimpse of a community as a place where my gifts are received. And I was hooked!

Activating Your Gifts

I set an intention to learn how to do this for myself and my family. I tried a variety of things, but the first strategy that worked was to look at those people I truly loved and admired and wanted to be like.

I wrote down the names of everyone I knew. Then, next to their names I wrote down every trait and quality I admired. As I was doing this, I realized that one of my beliefs kept running through my head: "people who annoy you are mirroring back a part of yourself that you find annoying."

I stopped for a moment, wondering why this thought kept repeating over and over. I was trying to focus on the positive, admirable traits of everyone on my list. Why was this thought distracting me?

And then, I heard an old math teacher's voice in my head: "mathematical equations work in both directions."

I stopped breathing for a moment.

I looked back at my list trying to absorb the impact of what I had just learned.

And then I wrote down my new belief: "If people with negative traits are mirroring unclaimed parts of myself back to me, then people who I love and admire are mirroring unclaimed parts of me too!"

That was a turning point for me. Instead of focusing my energy on getting rid of the unwanted traits in myself, I began focusing on reclaiming the positive, loving aspects of myself. And, once I turned my attention to what I did want for me, more and more people showed up in my life who had those same traits. They supported me in activating those traits and in learning how to stay true to myself, even when others disagreed with me.

Today, all of the communities I belong to are places where my gifts are received because I learned how to receive myself.

Self-Coaching Tip: Pre-Tend to Your Future

From a very early age, we have had the ability to visualize or tap into our kinesthetic body. We called it "pretending." As children, we routinely tried on new patterns of Being, instinctually exploring our Authentic Nature by trying on different personas and seeing how they "fit." Being a ballerina or astronaut may have "resonated" with our Authentic Self, while being the ‘bad guy’ might have left us feeling cold.

When we tried on a persona that resonated, we delved into that experience over and over, developing a deep affinity for the traits we perceived as "ballerina," or “astronaut," or "doctor." Most of us stopped pretending as we moved into adulthood, judging the practice as immature. But, actually, pretending is an easy and effortless way to change from a state of fear, anxiety or uncertainty to a state of love, confidence, and hope.

Pretending allows us to tap into our Spiritual Power by combining thought with movement. When we pretend and really get into the experience of pretending, we begin to activate the traits within us that support, rather than inhibit attracting the life we want. The power of pretending lies in the purposeful movement that amplifies the trait we want to activate and maintain. The purposeful movement in pretending includes rhythm, breathing and posture.

Think of it as Pre-Tending to your future. By moving into the energetic essence of what you want to co-create with Source, you’re activating the Law of Attraction. More importantly, you’re focused on BE-ing in the moment and ‘allowing’ Source to worry about how it will show up. State your intention to stay in this ‘play’ energy while completing a task and notice any changes in your body, thoughts and emotions while pretending your way through the task.

"Swept up by the deepest states of play, one feels balanced, creative, focused. Deep play is a fascinating hallmark of being human; it reveals our need to seek a special brand of transcendence, with a passion that makes thrill-seeking explicable, creativity possible, and religion inevitable." ~ Diane Ackerman, author of Deep Play

Self-Coaching Tip: Your Soul's Desires Activate the Law of Attraction

Sometimes knowing about the Law of Attraction can get you into trouble. You begin to measure your spiritual growth by what you’re attracting into your life. You know, getting the flu means you're harboring less than joyful emotions, lower back pain means you have a poor relationship with money, feeling fear means you're spiritually lacking. You judge what is coming into your life, and subsequently, you judge your self. But Spirit, in it’s infinite wisdom, is sending you exactly what you need to attract what you truly desire.

Here's an example from Belinda Ryan, a Master Spiritual Life Coach:

"While going through a sticky divorce, my lawyer told me I couldn’t sell the house. However, my ex-husband wasn’t paying alimony, my lawyer refused to do any more work until he was paid, and my checking account was overdrawn. I needed the money that selling the house would bring me.

"I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. ‘Why?’ was a question all too available.

"Realizing my question put me in a ‘victim’ place, I asked myself, ‘What can I do for myself in this moment?’

"I broke away from my upset to take a shower. While calming down under the warm water, I remembered to ask myself some more connecting questions such as ‘What do I really want?’

"My answer shocked me: ‘Well, I really want to stay in the house with my children!’"

Get in Touch with What You Truly Want, Not What You Think You Want

The Law of Attraction is always working to bring you what you truly want; not what you think you want. Belinda learned that the Law of Attraction would make it impossible for her to give up what she truly desired even though logic told her she had to sell her house in order to provide for her children.

The Law of Attraction is activated by your desires (emotions). It doesn’t take into account what you perceive as the ‘logical thing to do’ nor does it take into account any judgments you may have about your own desires.

As long as you remain unconscious about your deeply held emotional desires, you feel helpless and powerless to deal with whatever you’re attracting into your life. Only when you have a self-coaching process to bring into conscious awareness your deepest desires can you begin to feel empowered and consciously activate the Law of Attraction.

The most miraculous aspect of the Law of Attraction is that it doesn’t keep score. For example, once you’ve connected in with your Soul’s Desire and gotten clear about what you want, the Law of Attraction goes to work. You don’t have to clear your account of all the times you unintentionally or unconsciously attracted something else.
To Activate the Law of Attraction, You Must Allow in Your Deepest Desires

Allowing is a self-coaching skill that requires specific body, emotion and thought patterns. Once Belinda began to “allow” (stop resisting) her Deepest Desire to stay in the family home even though it appeared financially foolish, the external situation changed immediately.

Belinda’s attorney, who had refused to do any more work for her until he was paid, changed his attitude. He worked to get the back support payments from Belinda’s ex-husband so he could be paid. This also gave Belinda the money she needed to provide for her children.

Over the following months of the divorce proceedings, Belinda realized how much stability she and the children felt because they stayed in the house. If they had moved, Belinda and her children would have had to deal with two major life-changing stresses: moving AND divorce. Staying in the house, a familiar setting, gave them a sense of comfort and security during the major changes that occurred because of the divorce.

Belinda also had a new intention for herself: “I am open to other possibilities so that I can recognize solutions when they arrive instead of remaining blinded by my panic.”


(excerpted from "Spiritual Cross-Training: REAL-izing Your Authentic Power in Today's World)