Self-Coaching Tip: Look at the Expectations Behind Your Intentions

Recently I was asked to speak to a group of Life Coaches about the practical aspects of blending self-coaching and spirituality into their everyday lives. During the discussion, it became apparent that many of the participants were keeping their spiritual practice separate from the rest of their day.

They often spent up to an hour each day in meditation, yoga, and/or prayer. But, they relied on that hour of spiritual practice to carry them throughout the day, usually with less than positive results. Most days they experienced some sense of lack or fear that washed away the feelings of connection they experienced during their spiritual practice.

As we continued our discussion, they were surprised to find that any feelings of lack or fear could, without any effort on their part, completely affect the rest of their day. Why, they wondered, couldn’t they maintain their connection to Source as easily as they maintained their connection to lack or fear?

We revisited their spiritual practices and discovered that while carrying out their daily spiritual practice, they held a conscious or unconscious intention to connect to Source. This intention is often experienced as a prayer or invocation they use to begin their spiritual practice each day.

“What do you think might happen,” I asked, “if you set an intention before every task you do throughout the day?”

“But, how can I possibly stay connected to Source when I’m doing a task I hate, like answering email?” asked one participant.

That question led to the definition of Intention: how you want to feel while doing something. In their spiritual practice they wanted to feel connected to Source. When they allowed their aversions or apathy to navigate their day, they were unconsciously setting intentions that dis-connected them from Source.

Here are three ways you may be unconsciously setting intentions during the day:

• Intention as a Chore: this is the type of intention most of us have been taught to hold. How many tasks do you do each day because you have to: I have to pay the bills, do the dishes, finish this report, etc. Each time you tell yourself, you have to do something, you’ve set an intention. Each of us experiences ‘have to’ in different ways, but it is usually associated with a less-than-joyful emotion. You may feel a sense of burden or victimization or fear.

• Intention as a Choice: you activate this type of intention every time you make a choice to do or not do something. The reason behind your choice is the intention you’re setting. For example, “if I don’t pay the mortgage, I’ll lose my house” sets an intention to experience lack or fear.

• Intention as a Specific Outcome: this is the type of intention you activate whenever you want a situation to be resolved in a certain way. For example, “I will attract $100,000 over the next six months.” The difficulty with this type of intention is the judgment you may hold around yourself if the specific outcome doesn’t manifest itself. If the $100,000 doesn’t show up, you may feel as if you’re doing something wrong or you’re not sufficiently evolved enough to attract that much money.

Every minute of every day, you are setting an intention either consciously or unconsciously. You know, from your spiritual practice, how powerful a consciously set intention can be. When you begin to raise your awareness around your unconscious intentions, you can begin bring them into alignment with our overall intention to stay connected to Source.

Self-Coaching Tip: Use Elements of Your Spiritual Practice Throughout the Day

Chances are if you're reading this, you have a spiritual practice. It might be meditation or prayer or yoga or painting or walking. But, within that spiritual practice you'll find clues to help you learn how to coach your self.

You'll find these clues by deconstructing, or breaking down, your spiritual practice. The movement associated with your spiritual practice is a form of self-coaching. Every spiritual practice includes some kind of ritual movement: a repetitive movement that allows you to connect in with Source. This repetitive movement brings your body into a sense of well-being and deep relaxation that allows you to tap into the higher brain processes necessary for connecting to Source. In short, you're coaching your Self into the body-emotion-thought patterns needed for Spiritual Connection.

The movement might be whole-body movement like that found in yoga or T'ai Chi, or it might be a subtle movement like deep breathing. Whatever your ritual movement is, you automatically move into your body, which brings you into the present moment.

When I began looking at the amount of movement during my day, I discovered just how sedentary my life was. As a writer, I sit in front of a computer all day long. The longer I sit, the shallower my breathing becomes and the harder I have to work to even think, let alone stay in the present moment. Interruptions late in the day annoyed me and I reacted to them in not-so-loving ways.

At first, I thought I needed to add more exercise to my day, but that really didn't help me stay present and relaxed throughout the whole day. So, I looked at my spiritual practice more closely. The amount of movement I needed to stay present and connected to Source didn't require 30-minutes of aerobic activity. To move into that place of connectedness, all I needed to do was move my body and change my posture. This movement changed my breathing, relaxed my body and stilled my mind.

I began incorporating one-minute movement breaks into my day. Using a kitchen timer, I stopped whatever I was working on every hour. I moved my whole body for 1-2 minutes (for movement break suggestions, see "Take 1-2 minute Movement Breaks).

The results were amazing! At the end of the day, I felt more energized, more creative and more connected to Source. I slept better at night and throughout the day I stayed in a more loving place, quietly welcoming interruptions as just another opportunity for movement that kept me connected to my Spiritual Nature.

Self-Coaching Tip: Increase Your Tolerance for Bliss

Several years ago, one of my life-long dreams came true. It took me by surprise and, once I recovered from the shock, I began crying uncontrollably. After an hour, I was still crying, wondering what was wrong with me. I called my therapist and told him what had happened. He told me I was crying because I was happy. I told him this didn't feel like happiness to me!

At that moment, my 6-year old son walked into the room, looked at my face and asked, "Momma, why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad. I'm happy."

"Why do you look sad?"

"Because I don't do happy very well, yet."

That seemed a perfectly logical answer to him and he went back to playing. And it seemed quite logical to me, too. I couldn't remember ever feeling quite like this before and the feeling scared me. It was too much of something, a good thing. But, now that I knew what it was, I could begin to learn how to process it.

I went into the living room, lit a fire in the fireplace, and, over the next two hours, attempted to let the happiness in. I did it slowly, a little bit at a time. Marveling at the new levels of joy and happiness I was beginning to experience. I began by setting an intention to allow in only as much joy as I could handle. Then, I breathed into the joy, focusing my attention on my heart because the energy of the joy seemed pressing down on my chest. I continued breathing into my heart, allowing it to be whatever it wanted to be. And soon the pain subsided, and a healing, calming presence replaced the scary pressure.

All my life, I've been holding on to, processing and healing painful emotions (energy). But, that day, I realized I had always pushed happiness and joy away, never allowing it in, never processing it, never tapping in to the healing qualities of these very positive emotions.

Because I had neglected getting to know these positive emotions, I didn't even recognize them when I felt them. They seemed too big, too overwhelming, too threatening. They scared me so much that I ran from them, assigning some negative connotation to them, and by extension, to me.

I've since discovered that as we learn to efficiently process emotions (energy), our bodies go through a detoxification, leaving us with new, sometimes, frightening feelings (emotions). Often these feelings, although initially painful, are really new, unfamiliar levels of peace, joy, happiness and/or contentment. Now, my clients and I periodically set our intentions to increase our Tolerance for Bliss.

Self-Coaching Tip: If You Can't Breathe....Laugh!

In the wee hours of a morning, during my son's first month of life, I rocked Jonathan to sleep after his two a.m. feeding. I had dozed for a moment or so, lulled by the gentle rhythmic rocking and the heat of our bodies against one another. When I swam back to consciousness, I opened my eyes expecting to find Jonathan asleep.

Instead, my son, whose waking moments always reminded me of an underwater ballet or a sleep walker, was wide awake. His large, midnight blue eyes sparkled in delight as they explored our surroundings. At one point in his "travels," he glanced at my face and moved on. Stopped. Moved back to my face. Realized I was awake. Shut his eyes tightly, his little body tensed as he feigned sleep.

"You little stinker!" I whispered awed by the level of consciousness I was witnessing.

Jonathan squeezed his eyes tighter, his grinning mouth open in soundless laughter while his body convulsed in ripples of delight. I laughed with him, the sounds he couldn't yet make echoing throughout the still house.

I held him in my arms all that night, reluctant to end this sacred moment. For in his playfulness, I had caught my first glimpse of Jonathan's soul and was caught up in the enchanted spell of my son's Being.

Something changed in me that night. It was if my heart opened to let in more of the Universe. And in the twelve years since that moment, my level of awareness continues to grow, as if mirroring Jonathan's ever-expanding consciousness.

In the first days of Jonathan's existence, I was overwhelmed by the responsibility for this tiny creature. Never in my life had I experienced such primal terror. It went way beyond any fear I had ever known and I relied upon the routine of motherhood to get me through each day. Awkwardly, I fed and bathed Jonathan. Changing diapers was a fifteen-minute ordeal that I struggled to get "right." (I have no idea how long it would have taken me if I'd had to contend with diaper pins! Thank the Goddess and disposable diaper manufacturers!)

Every waking moment – and, from the nightmares that I remember, every sleeping moment, too – was focused on Jonathan's well being. I felt possessed. Disoriented. My memory failed me. I couldn't remember how to do any tasks if they were not related to Jonathan's care. I forgot to keep appointments, unless they were with Jonathan's doctor. I kept Jonathan's room immaculate, but forgot to clean the rest of the house. I couldn't carry on an adult conversation unless I was talking about Jonathan. I was boring. I was lost.

But, that night, when Jonathan emerged from his sleepwalking state into consciousness, I woke from my fog of terror and surrendered to the spiritual path of parenting. And my first lesson was to honor and revere the Spiritual Teacher the Universe had sent me – my son. Jonathan's antics reminded me to breathe – and if you can't breathe, laugh. Our shared laughter that night brought forth my first inkling that parenting was not a solitary task, but an interaction, an interconnectedness, an interdependence with an Other. A Sacred Relationship.

In the months following my night of surrender, I took my first steps toward spiritual awareness. I moved from the single-mindedness of childhood and adolescence to what the parenting books call "diffuse awareness," the ability to be aware of your child while attending to other tasks. It was difficult at first, and awkward. I resented it. Gone were the days when I could block out the rest of the world by snuggling in a chair with the latest science fiction novel. Gone, too, were endless telephone conversations with friends. No more immersion into my passions for writing or daydreaming or dancing. This tiny person had taken over. He had insinuated his essence into every cell of my being. My whole reality was reduced to the care of Jonathan.

But, the process of parenting, like any spiritual path, provided both the motivation and the method for growth. Once again, Jonathan was my teacher and my mirror. I had always ignored my physical needs when working, focused solely on getting the job done...perfectly. When working, I forgot to eat; I ignored fatigue, pushing myself way beyond my physical limits; I chastised myself for mistakes; and sunk into depression when I became emotionally overwhelmed. My resentment about my narrowed world of parenting stemmed from my need to block out the rest of the world while performing any tasks. Jonathan taught me how to move out of this place of limited awareness through self-care.

Jonathan's world revolved around his physical needs. His insistent demands for food, sleep, dry diapers and attention were loud and clear. Only when his physical needs were met, could Jonathan engage with the rest of the world, including me. I finally realized he couldn't learn when those needs were not being met, and Jonathan was happiest when he was learning. So, following his lead, I began to learn how to listen to my own needs: to nap when I needed sleep, eat when I was hungry, play always, laugh whenever possible.

And my world began to expand. Performing tasks became easier and more enjoyable. I smiled more often. I began to experience moments of profound spiritual awareness, of complete inner peace. My body, which I had always ignored, and my son, who refused to be ignored, taught me a great spiritual truth: I need to remain connected to my body in order to experience my spirituality and stay connected to my Soul.

Self-Coaching Tip: When You're in a Hurry, Slow Down

The other morning, my son, Jonathan, and I overslept. We awoke shortly before he was due at school. While I sleepily got dressed, Jonathan began rushing through the house, trying to put on his clothes, eat his breakfast and gather up his schoolbooks, all at the same time.

Suddenly, he stopped and began talking to himself, "Ok, Jon, slow down. When you're in a rush, you need to slow down." He took a few deep breaths and slowed his walking and decided to focus on eating his breakfast.

The next few moments seemed to slow down too, as Jonathan and I worked in perfect tandem to get him ready for school. We slowed our breathing, our movements and our thoughts. Time seemed stretch out into infinity, giving us all the time we needed. We talked quietly, joked lovingly and arrived at school in time.

I used to think mindfulness was about totally focusing on whatever task I was doing, blocking out all distractions. Now I know that mindfulness is actually a skill: the ability to maintain an awareness of how you are reacting to external stimuli--physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

When I do shut down or block out what's going on around me, my job, housework or exercise actually triggers my body's stress response and blocks my ability to stay in the present moment. Blocking out external stimulus is a pattern we've learned throughout our lives. Here's how my son and I work to develop our mindfulness skills. Take a few moments during the day to try the following:

1. Choose 1 of the following activities.

* Washing dishes

* Reading

* Paying

* Getting dressed

* Folding laundry

* Ironing

* Yard work

* Cooking

* Minor home repair

* Straightening your desk

* Answering email

* Other _____________

2. During the first few minutes, do the activity more quickly than normal.

3. Then do the activity more slowly than normal for a few minutes.

4. Finish the activity at a pace that is comfortable for you.

5. Take a moment to journal about your noticings.

Tip: Try to do this activity several times over the next week, at different times of the day and notice any similarities or differences if you:

* Change the activity

* Change the time of day

* Do the activity when you don't feel like doing it

And remember, this is supposed to be FUN! Just play with it.

Self-Coaching Tip: Community is the Place Where Your Gifts are Received

The word "community" comes from a Latin word that means "the place where our gifts are received."

What a powerful thought: the place where our gifts are received!

I spent a large part of my life wanting to feel as if I belonged. To have the gift of ME accepted, understood and valued. I longed for someone to truly see me for who I was instead of for what I could do for them or how well I performed.

But, until I learned the self-coaching skills to do this for myself, I found myself ignoring or pushing away any attempt by others to receive my gifts. Teachers tried to take me under their wing. Adult neighbors often protected me from bullies. My parents tried to let me know they loved me in a variety of ways. Girl friends tried to include me. Boys and men I dated often adored me. But, I couldn't see it because I was so busy judging myself as lacking in some way and distrusting others' motives.

And the problem was compounded because many who were attempting to let me know how valued I was to them, had the same problem. They were insecure with their own gifts so when I refused their overtures, they quickly backed down.

Fortunately, I came into contact with a couple of people who didn't back down. Who had developed the skills to not be influenced by other people's reactions. They had found their gifts, were accepting of themselves and were able to model that acceptance for me.

These wonderful people gave me my first glimpse of a community as a place where my gifts are received. And I was hooked!

Activating Your Gifts

I set an intention to learn how to do this for myself and my family. I tried a variety of things, but the first strategy that worked was to look at those people I truly loved and admired and wanted to be like.

I wrote down the names of everyone I knew. Then, next to their names I wrote down every trait and quality I admired. As I was doing this, I realized that one of my beliefs kept running through my head: "people who annoy you are mirroring back a part of yourself that you find annoying."

I stopped for a moment, wondering why this thought kept repeating over and over. I was trying to focus on the positive, admirable traits of everyone on my list. Why was this thought distracting me?

And then, I heard an old math teacher's voice in my head: "mathematical equations work in both directions."

I stopped breathing for a moment.

I looked back at my list trying to absorb the impact of what I had just learned.

And then I wrote down my new belief: "If people with negative traits are mirroring unclaimed parts of myself back to me, then people who I love and admire are mirroring unclaimed parts of me too!"

That was a turning point for me. Instead of focusing my energy on getting rid of the unwanted traits in myself, I began focusing on reclaiming the positive, loving aspects of myself. And, once I turned my attention to what I did want for me, more and more people showed up in my life who had those same traits. They supported me in activating those traits and in learning how to stay true to myself, even when others disagreed with me.

Today, all of the communities I belong to are places where my gifts are received because I learned how to receive myself.

Self-Coaching Tip: Pre-Tend to Your Future

From a very early age, we have had the ability to visualize or tap into our kinesthetic body. We called it "pretending." As children, we routinely tried on new patterns of Being, instinctually exploring our Authentic Nature by trying on different personas and seeing how they "fit." Being a ballerina or astronaut may have "resonated" with our Authentic Self, while being the ‘bad guy’ might have left us feeling cold.

When we tried on a persona that resonated, we delved into that experience over and over, developing a deep affinity for the traits we perceived as "ballerina," or “astronaut," or "doctor." Most of us stopped pretending as we moved into adulthood, judging the practice as immature. But, actually, pretending is an easy and effortless way to change from a state of fear, anxiety or uncertainty to a state of love, confidence, and hope.

Pretending allows us to tap into our Spiritual Power by combining thought with movement. When we pretend and really get into the experience of pretending, we begin to activate the traits within us that support, rather than inhibit attracting the life we want. The power of pretending lies in the purposeful movement that amplifies the trait we want to activate and maintain. The purposeful movement in pretending includes rhythm, breathing and posture.

Think of it as Pre-Tending to your future. By moving into the energetic essence of what you want to co-create with Source, you’re activating the Law of Attraction. More importantly, you’re focused on BE-ing in the moment and ‘allowing’ Source to worry about how it will show up. State your intention to stay in this ‘play’ energy while completing a task and notice any changes in your body, thoughts and emotions while pretending your way through the task.

"Swept up by the deepest states of play, one feels balanced, creative, focused. Deep play is a fascinating hallmark of being human; it reveals our need to seek a special brand of transcendence, with a passion that makes thrill-seeking explicable, creativity possible, and religion inevitable." ~ Diane Ackerman, author of Deep Play