Self-Coaching Tip: Enjoy Doing Your Taxes

For many of my new clients in the U.S., getting their taxes done is one of the most stressful chores they face each year. However, after learning to coach themselves around taxes, they experience a sense of peace, empowerment and satisfaction.

Today, I'd like to share some of our self-coaching strategies for tax season. Try what feels good to you and ignore the rest. After all, what have you got to lose? Days of stress? An onerous chore? Teeth gnashing?

Before you go any further, get clear about how you want to FEEL while doing your taxes. Some of my clients want to feel abundant. Some strive to overcome their procrastination. I like to feel at Peace.

Once you've identified the FEELING, list 3 things that usually make you FEEL that way. Here's my list to help you get started:

1. watch my favorite movie (always puts me in a 'go with the flow' emotional state).

2. Visiting with my son or best friend.

3. Meditation.

These sound like rewards, don't they?

Well, that's exactly what they are.

Now, here's the really important part: REWARD your self before starting your taxes.

Yes, you read that right.

Reward your self first.

Here's why....

To do your taxes without getting stressed out, you have to move into a new state of BEing. One of the easiest ways to teach your body-emotions-thoughts a new state of BEing is to do something that will bring you into that state of BEing. That's usually something fun!

If you have always been stressed out when doing your taxes, your current state of BEing around taxes is, yep!... you guessed it, stressed out. That's the pattern your body-emotions-thoughts automatically go into when you do taxes. I'll bet your body-emotions-thoughts go into a stressed out state just thinking about doing your taxes!

So, this year, try a new pattern:

1. Choose how you want to FEEL while doing your taxes.

2. Make a list of 3-5 things that usually make you FEEL that way.

3. Reward yourself.

4. Set aside time to work for 30 minutes on your taxes right after the reward.

5. State an Intention to stay in the 'reward' FEELING as long as possible while working on your taxes.

6. As soon as you feel the reward FEELING draining away from you, stop working.

7. Repeat steps 3-5 over the next few days, as needed, until you've finished your taxes. As an added bonus, you'll have a new pattern of BEing for next year's taxes.

Wishing you a joy-filled tax season!

Carolyn

To learn how to Coach Your Self each day, join our Spiritual Cross-Training program, risk-free!

Self-Coaching Tip: Find the Guidance in Your Procrastination

This week is National Procrastination Week, a time for me to celebrate. I learned some of my best self-coaching strategies while struggling with my tendency to procrastinate.

Did you know that procrastination isn’t caused by laziness?

Just like anything else, procrastination has a body-emotion-thought connection. For example, research shows several causes for procrastination:

BODY: Procrastination can be caused by low activity or damage in the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that filters out stimuli, especially distracting stimulation that makes it difficult to stay focused and organized around completing a task.

EMOTION: Procrastination can be caused by our emotional state, such as depression, fear, anxiety or addiction.

THOUGHT: Procrastination can be caused by the way we think about a task. If we think the task is too small or insignificant, we’ll tend to procrastinate. On the other hand, if we think it’s too big and overwhelming, we’ll have a tendency to procrastinate

While learning to coach myself around my procrastination, I had to first identify the body-emotion-thought patterns that supported my procrastination. The results were surprising! Here’s how it broke down for me:

BODY PATTERN: I tend to procrastinate when my environment is too stimulating. Lots of noise, bright lights, temperature extremes, odors, etc. made it difficult for me to stay focused.

EMOTION PATTERN: When I can’t stay focused, I tend to get overwhelmed, a form of fear pattern. When that happened, I didn’t feel safe enough to complete the task.

THOUGHT PATTERN: When I don’t feel safe I begin to think like a victim. I believe I’m not competent enough to take care of myself. At this point, my brain shuts down and I can’t figure out what needs to be done in order to complete the task. I want to be rescued.

Each pattern I identified was guidance about what was causing my procrastination. The solutions became more obvious.

Once I identified the patterns, I thought each pattern led to the next. So, I began by changing my environment. This strategy helped me get started on projects, but it wasn’t enough to complete them.

Patterns become entrained in our brains. This means they pull or draw themselves along, like the current in a river. They seem to have an energy of their own. For example, try to sing doh-re-mi-fa-sol-la-ti and stop. Notice how your body feels without that final doh. Notice how agitated your body, emotions and thoughts are.

Ok. Go ahead and sing the final doh. Enjoy the release.

The same is true for procrastination. It has an energy of its own. So when you develop a strategy, remember to plan a body strategy, an emotion strategy AND a thought strategy.

To learn more about coaching yourself through procrastination, join our 4-month self-coaching program, Spiritual Cross-Training: Coach Your Self to Inner Peace & Outer Success.

Self-Coaching Tip: Change Your Environment

When I was little, my mother used to tell me, “don’t slouch.” I can still hear her voice in my head. Little did I know, that admonition would serve me well when I began learning how to coach myself.

Think about it. Every moment of every day, your body is interacting with environmental forces, such as lighting, seating and gravity. If the environment is in harmony with your body’s needs, you maintain good posture. On the other hand, poor lighting or sitting at a desk that is too big or too small, causes you to adapt your posture to the poor environment.

Change in posture is the body’s way of communicating that there is a change in your energy. The longer you maintain incorrect posture, the more constricted your body becomes. As the tension grows, your breathing is restricted, reducing the amount of oxygen getting into your system. You become more myopic—seeing less, hearing less, understanding less, and fearing more.

That’s right. Your posture actually affects your emotional state. Think about it. Fear constricts your breathing, making it shallower and faster. Fear constricts your body, tenses your muscles, making it more difficult to move. And, once fear sets in, your brain seems to shut down, reducing the number of choices available to you.

Your posture reflects how your environment is affecting your body. When you change your posture to adapt to a poor environment – walk more slowly, slump in your chair, lay your head on your arm, sit closer to your work, tilt your head – it’s your body’s way of telling you that your energy is decreasing. Your body is trying to coach you.

This week, spend some time playing with your environment and notice it’s impact on your body. Here are some suggestions to help you get started:

Change the lighting. If the room is very brightly lit, turn off some of the lights and see if your body relaxes a bit. If the room is dark, turn on some more lights.

Change the height of your chair when working at your desk. To get the correct height, place your elbow on your desk and put your hand on your face. Your fingertips should just reach your eyes.

Change the placement of your computer screen. The top of the screen should be even with your eyes so you are looking down at a 20 degree angle. This allows you to read your screen at the optimal position for your neck and back.

Change the sounds in your room. If there are a lot of sounds, reduce some of them. If it’s quiet, try adding some sound. Notice what kinds of sounds relax you and what sounds tense your body.

Move your whole body. Every hour, take a 1-2 minute movement break. This allows your body to take in more oxygen and realign your body for greater energetic efficiency.

To learn more about how your body impacts your self-coaching abilities, try our 4-month Spiritual Cross-Training program, risk-free for 30 days.

Self-Coaching Tip: Expect the Unexpected

A few years ago, I set an Intention for peace and harmony in my relationship with my ex-husband. Within three days, the energy of the amplified intentions was having an impact on my life—but it didn't look anything like peace and harmony. Almost overnight, the situation with my ex-husband threatened to become litigious. I felt overwhelmed and threatened at a core survival level.

I knew what usually worked to coach myself through this situation, but I was having some difficulty. I became angry with my ex-, blaming him for the situation. For days, I held my anger as a protective shield against the primal fears that were surfacing. The anger interfered with my abilities to function effectively as a parent, a coach, a CEO. Finally, after several days of missing deadlines and appointments, I called a fellow Coach and asked for help. After doing the body movements that help me move out of my fears, I spent some time working through one of my favorite tools that helps me get out of my head enough to partner with the fear I was feeling. Then, my colleague led me through a visualization in which I saw all of my issues with my ex-husband as rocks, stones and pebbles loaded into a backpack. Below is the visualization and how it worked for me:
She directs me to a small footbridge spanning a river of healing, loving waters. I stop halfway across the bridge and open the backpack. I pull out the first rock. It is an old friend—abandonment. I hold it, touching the rough surface, feeling the emptiness of the emotion in my body. When I am ready, I toss it into the river and watch, transfixed by the changing colors as the rock is transformed by the loving energy.

I continue emptying the backpack, revisiting old, familiar issues I've been working on for years: self-worth, loneliness, betrayal. At the bottom of the pack is an unfamiliar issue. A small pebble, the size of a marble, dense and heavy. I hold it in my hands, waiting for guidance.

Sobs burst forth. It is guilt. A very old guilt. Time swirls around me, the past and future blending into the present. I am two years old, maybe three. My father is ill. He is changed. He is in pain. The guilt is born in that moment: guilt that I cannot alleviate his pain. I cannot make him laugh.

Every moment of my life takes on a new meaning. The buried guilt motivating my every action: if I don't fix the pain, I am not worthy.
me:
She directs me to a small footbridge spanning a river of healing, loving waters. I stop halfway across the bridge and open the backpack. I pull out the first rock. It is an old friend—abandonment. I hold it, touching the rough surface, feeling the emptiness of the emotion in my body. When I am ready, I toss it into the river and watch, transfixed by the changing colors as the rock is transformed by the loving energy.

I continue emptying the backpack, revisiting old, familiar issues I've been working on for years: self-worth, loneliness, betrayal. At the bottom of the pack is an unfamiliar issue. A small pebble, the size of a marble, dense and heavy. I hold it in my hands, waiting for guidance.

Sobs burst forth. It is guilt. A very old guilt. Time swirls around me, the past and future blending into the present. I am two years old, maybe three. My father is ill. He is changed. He is in pain. The guilt is born in that moment: guilt that I cannot alleviate his pain. I cannot make him laugh.

Every moment of my life takes on a new meaning. The buried guilt motivating my every action: if I don't fix the pain, I am not worthy.
That was my story. That was what I'd been telling myself since the birth of that guilt. Now that the story was out, I began to change it, re-script it, find new evidence of my worthiness. The evidence was already there. I just hadn’t let it in yet because it didn't fit my story. Every compliment, thank you, or gift I'd received over the years had been deflected, pushed away, because that little girl knew she wasn't any good. Now, I could re-visit those moments of acceptance in a new light, and begin to let the love and acceptance into my heart.

Is this how I expected peace and harmony to manifest in my life? Not at all. At some level, I was expecting my ex-husband's behavior to change, too. But, this inner peace and harmony is much more than I ever expected. I love myself in a new way now that I have found a new level of self-acceptance. And it affects my interactions with everyone else in my life. I judge myself and others less harshly. I love others in a new way. While you may find the unexpected as you develop your self-coaching skills, keep in mind, that the unexpected will be even better than you could imagine.

Self-Coaching Tip: Move Your Body, Change Your Thoughts

For a large part of my life, my Inner Critic often stopped me from learning or doing something new by saying, "I'm not smart enough to learn this." And then, it reminded me of all the subjects in school that I struggled with like math and science. I literally re-lived the pain and embarrassment and confusion of various math and science classes throughout my school years each time I tried to learn something new.

Here was a belief about myself that was not supporting me.

I was convinced that my brain was just ‘too slow’ to understand new ideas. But, my story about ‘being slow’ was only a part of the picture. When I applied self-coaching to look at the whole picture, I discovered a few surprises. Remember, self-coaching includes looking at your body, emotion and thought patterns. Here’s what the whole picture looked like:

• Story/ Thoughts: I’m too slow to learn new ideas.
• Emotions: pain, embarrassment & confusion
• Body: quick, jerky and clumsy movements

For me, being stupid meant being slow. My body movements, however, were anything but slow. My breathing was fast and shallow. My movements (walking, talking, picking things up) were too fast and uncoordinated.

Somewhere along the line, my body, in a constant state of stress, had forgotten the pattern of slowing down. So, I used contrasting movement to learn how to re-gain control of my body. I began by speeding up my breathing and movements and then contrasted that with slower breathing and movements. When I noticed I was racing across the room, I slowed my walking to a crawl before resuming a more normal pace. When I became aware that I was talking very fast, I took a breath and forced myself to speak more slowly. When I recognized that I was racing through housework, I stopped and did it in slow motion for a moment. When I resumed the housework, my movements were more coordinated and graceful.

It only took a few days before I began noticing the difference in my thoughts and reactions to situations. First, my Inner Critic quieted down enough so I could remember that some subjects in school were very easy for me. English, French, and History classes were so much fun for me that they didn’t seem like work. When I came into contact with other people, my thoughts were calmer and I could access many different options in a situation. My responses became more appropriate for the situations and people were being kind, rather than attacking me.

By changing my body movements, I easily and permanently changed my belief about myself. I no longer think of myself as stupid. The thoughts you think about your self are just patterns. They are held in place by emotional and body patterns. And the body pattern is the most predominant pattern. By changing your body’s pattern, by moving it differently, you can change very deep-seated beliefs that no longer serve you.

So, as you begin to coach yourself, don’t use sheer willpower. Move your body and change your thoughts. To find out more about the most effective movements to add to your self-coaching, join our 4-month Spiritual Cross-Training program, risk-free.

Self-Coaching Tip: Partner With Your Emotions

Did you know that emotions prioritize your thinking? For example, when I am depressed, my thoughts tend to focus on what I don’t have: enough energy, creativity, love, etc. Once my thoughts start down this path, I begin to perceive lack in other areas of my life, such as relationships, finances, health.

This emotion-thought pattern can feed on itself. Pretty soon, I begin feeling a great sense of hopelessness and I just stop trying to do anything. For many years, I tried to ignore my depression. I’d distract myself from it in an effort to make myself feel better, such as shopping or eating. But, then, as my self-coaching skills improved, I learned to partner with my depression and all that changed.

Partnering with your emotions can be very scary, at first. Emotions can feel huge and overwhelming. I never wanted to really feel my depression because I was afraid it would swallow me up and I’d never find my way out of it. But, when I learned how to partner with my depression, I discovered the depression was actually trying to help me prioritize my life and my spiritual growth.

For me, feeling depressed is a sign that I have stepped off my Spiritual Path. It means I am focusing on the wrong thing in my life. But, if I acknowledge the depression and begin partnering with it, the depression leads me back to my Self so I can continue on my Spiritual Journey. My energy returns and I no longer feel a sense of lack.

Here are some suggestions for partnering with your emotions:

• Set an Intention to partner with one emotion. Don’t try to partner with every emotion at once. That’s just too big a job to begin with.

• Pay attention to that emotion. Notice what it feels like in your body. Write down the thoughts that show up when you’re feeling that emotion.

• If that emotion was a person, what would it look like? Sound like?

• Begin a dialogue with your emotion. What does it want?

To learn more about partnering with your emotions, try our Spiritual Cross-Training program, risk free

Self-Coaching Tip: Play Every Day

As a child, I loved writing about distant planets, exotic aliens and grown-up, adventurous space-farers. But I got the details wrong. I didn't know enough of the world to recognize that cream puffs were not the breakfast of aliens or that clocks don't belong in prehistoric caves. The details were inaccurate, but I was connected to my passion for stories. I was alive and exploring my Authentic Self.

As I got older, details gained an even greater importance in my life. Now, ignoring details had consequences. Catholic school nuns insisted I learn my catechism or go to hell, classmates deconstructed my clothing style - or lack thereof - to determine my popularity, teachers demanded I behave or it would go on my "permanent record."

Eventually, I went off into the real world of adults, armed with an obsession over getting the details "right." Convinced the world would come to an end if I didn't arrive at work on time, pay the bills as soon as they arrived or iron the creases "just so" in my husband's shirts, I wrapped myself up in the "fear of consequences."

Then I discovered the greatest consequence of all: too many details will smother the soul. And the story. My Life Story, like my writing, suffered from boredom brought on by pages of insufferable details that distracted me from my Life's Purpose. I'd lost my soul-connection, that part of me that lit up with delight while contemplating reptilian monsters munching on puff pastry.

By the trial-and-error method, I eventually learned which details were important to my spiritual growth. And I learned these lessons by re-connecting to my interests and passions. In short, I re-connected to my ability to play.

In her book, Deep Play, Diane Ackerman describes the spiritual nature of play:

Swept up by the deepest states of play, one feels balanced, creative, focused. Deep play is a fascinating hallmark of being human; it reveals our need to seek a special brand of transcendence, with a passion that makes thrill-seeking explicable, creativity possible, and religion inevitable.

Re-connecting to my ability to play with words also taught me how to coach my Self. Playing teaches body-emotion-thought patterns that are more in alignment with your Spiritual Nature:

• Playing brings your body patterns into balance.Your posture and breathing changes as you relax into the fun you’re having. You breathe more deeply, smile and laugh often. Your body is moving in the patterns of ‘fun.’

• Playing shifts your emotion patterns by releasing any self-judgment. While playing, you take risks and embrace mistakes, knowing you will learn from those experiences and use the lessons the next time you play.

• Playing focuses your thought patterns on the goal of the game. While playing, you’re not planning how to complete all the tasks you have on your to-do list. You’re not thinking about housework or yard work. Instead, you know what you want and you figure out the best way to get it within the framework of the game.

These body-emotion-thought patterns are the same patterns needed to successfully coach your Self to the kind of life you want. So, by playing every day, you’re strengthening the neural pathways you need to successfully change your life.

This week, add some play-time to your schedule each day and re-connect to your Spiritual Nature.

Self-Coaching Tip: Begin Where You Are

To celebrate the New Year, I’m using my self-coaching skills to transcend the historical practice of reflecting upon the past year and choosing goals for the New Year. Instead, I begin where I am.

Think of it like the directory in a shopping mall. There’s usually a map of all the stores with a big red dot that reads, ‘you are here.’ In order to get to the shop you want, you need to know where you are in relation to it.

I need to know which beliefs are holding me back and which beliefs are helping me move forward. need the guidance that my emotions hold for me. And finally, I need to communicate with my body to make permanent, lasting changes that are easy and effortless

Once I’m clear about where I am, really connected to myself on all three levels (physically, emotionally, mentally), something wondrous happens: co-creation.

Co-creating takes me to a new place of connection. Instead of focusing on what I’ve accomplished (a left brain activity) or floating contentedly in a meditative state (a right brain activity), I reach a balance between both sides of my brain. In this state, I see new possibilities to solving any problems I have; experience deeper connections in my relationships; and receive guidance for continued self-growth and spiritual evolution.

So, I invite you to begin this New Year by focusing on where you are, right now. When you truly know where you are at, you’ll see/hear/know where you’re going this year.

To experience how this might work, enroll for my free eCourse, "Self-Coaching Techniques," and learn one way to quiet your Inner Critic.

Self-Coaching Tip: Measure Your Self-Coaching Abilities

Most people measure their success by externals: their job, income, number of cars, size of their home, etc. There is nothing wrong with this. In fact, in this country, it is encouraged.

But, if you're at this website, chances are those externals are not enough. There's something missing from your life that you can't quite put your finger on.

Quantum Spirit International was built by people who were missing something from their lives. Educators, therapists, writers, artists, and entrepreneurs came together to find a way to bring their Spiritual Nature, or Authentic Power, into every area of their lives (family, work, health, finances, relationships, etc.). If this is what you're looking for, read on to find out what we discovered about 'success.'

Success as a Connection to Spirit / Source / God

Your behavior measures the success of your ability to stay connected to your Spiritual Nature. When you're angry, you may automatically respond with yelling or shouting, seething in silence or using the situation to heal an old wound. It is your automatic reaction in any situation that indicates how connected you feel to Spirit / Source / God. None of these behaviors are wrong; they're just different stages of your spiritual development.

In addition to your external behavior, the "interpretation" or story you tell your self about the behavior also indicates how connected to Spirit / Source / God you feel. For example, if you have a fight with a family member or colleague, you may tell yourself "I'm not good enough" or "he/she was wrong" or "this is an opportunity to heal an old wound." Each of these thoughts is a different way of evaluating your ability to stay in alignment with your Spiritual Nature.

So, when you behave in ways that do not reflect your spiritual Self, you feel less connected to Spirit / Source / God. This is where self-coaching skills can help. Self-coaching is a set of skills and abilities that help you learn how to change those automatic reactions that are not aligned with your True Self.

Take a moment now, to reflect on this latest holiday weekend. Were you able to deal with family from a place of acceptance and un-conditional love? Did family or friends upset you? Did you dread getting together with your extended family?

Your behavior, and the stories you use to evaluate how you and others behaved, can be used as the starting point in learning how to coach your Self to deepen and maintain your connection to Spirit / Source / God in every situation. That's why our programs are designed to help you learn self-coaching skills while dealing with whatever is showing up in your life!

Learn how to Coach Your Self now!

Self-Coaching Tip: Look at the Expectations Behind Your Intentions

Recently I was asked to speak to a group of Life Coaches about the practical aspects of blending self-coaching and spirituality into their everyday lives. During the discussion, it became apparent that many of the participants were keeping their spiritual practice separate from the rest of their day.

They often spent up to an hour each day in meditation, yoga, and/or prayer. But, they relied on that hour of spiritual practice to carry them throughout the day, usually with less than positive results. Most days they experienced some sense of lack or fear that washed away the feelings of connection they experienced during their spiritual practice.

As we continued our discussion, they were surprised to find that any feelings of lack or fear could, without any effort on their part, completely affect the rest of their day. Why, they wondered, couldn’t they maintain their connection to Source as easily as they maintained their connection to lack or fear?

We revisited their spiritual practices and discovered that while carrying out their daily spiritual practice, they held a conscious or unconscious intention to connect to Source. This intention is often experienced as a prayer or invocation they use to begin their spiritual practice each day.

“What do you think might happen,” I asked, “if you set an intention before every task you do throughout the day?”

“But, how can I possibly stay connected to Source when I’m doing a task I hate, like answering email?” asked one participant.

That question led to the definition of Intention: how you want to feel while doing something. In their spiritual practice they wanted to feel connected to Source. When they allowed their aversions or apathy to navigate their day, they were unconsciously setting intentions that dis-connected them from Source.

Here are three ways you may be unconsciously setting intentions during the day:

• Intention as a Chore: this is the type of intention most of us have been taught to hold. How many tasks do you do each day because you have to: I have to pay the bills, do the dishes, finish this report, etc. Each time you tell yourself, you have to do something, you’ve set an intention. Each of us experiences ‘have to’ in different ways, but it is usually associated with a less-than-joyful emotion. You may feel a sense of burden or victimization or fear.

• Intention as a Choice: you activate this type of intention every time you make a choice to do or not do something. The reason behind your choice is the intention you’re setting. For example, “if I don’t pay the mortgage, I’ll lose my house” sets an intention to experience lack or fear.

• Intention as a Specific Outcome: this is the type of intention you activate whenever you want a situation to be resolved in a certain way. For example, “I will attract $100,000 over the next six months.” The difficulty with this type of intention is the judgment you may hold around yourself if the specific outcome doesn’t manifest itself. If the $100,000 doesn’t show up, you may feel as if you’re doing something wrong or you’re not sufficiently evolved enough to attract that much money.

Every minute of every day, you are setting an intention either consciously or unconsciously. You know, from your spiritual practice, how powerful a consciously set intention can be. When you begin to raise your awareness around your unconscious intentions, you can begin bring them into alignment with our overall intention to stay connected to Source.

Self-Coaching Tip: Use Elements of Your Spiritual Practice Throughout the Day

Chances are if you're reading this, you have a spiritual practice. It might be meditation or prayer or yoga or painting or walking. But, within that spiritual practice you'll find clues to help you learn how to coach your self.

You'll find these clues by deconstructing, or breaking down, your spiritual practice. The movement associated with your spiritual practice is a form of self-coaching. Every spiritual practice includes some kind of ritual movement: a repetitive movement that allows you to connect in with Source. This repetitive movement brings your body into a sense of well-being and deep relaxation that allows you to tap into the higher brain processes necessary for connecting to Source. In short, you're coaching your Self into the body-emotion-thought patterns needed for Spiritual Connection.

The movement might be whole-body movement like that found in yoga or T'ai Chi, or it might be a subtle movement like deep breathing. Whatever your ritual movement is, you automatically move into your body, which brings you into the present moment.

When I began looking at the amount of movement during my day, I discovered just how sedentary my life was. As a writer, I sit in front of a computer all day long. The longer I sit, the shallower my breathing becomes and the harder I have to work to even think, let alone stay in the present moment. Interruptions late in the day annoyed me and I reacted to them in not-so-loving ways.

At first, I thought I needed to add more exercise to my day, but that really didn't help me stay present and relaxed throughout the whole day. So, I looked at my spiritual practice more closely. The amount of movement I needed to stay present and connected to Source didn't require 30-minutes of aerobic activity. To move into that place of connectedness, all I needed to do was move my body and change my posture. This movement changed my breathing, relaxed my body and stilled my mind.

I began incorporating one-minute movement breaks into my day. Using a kitchen timer, I stopped whatever I was working on every hour. I moved my whole body for 1-2 minutes (for movement break suggestions, see "Take 1-2 minute Movement Breaks).

The results were amazing! At the end of the day, I felt more energized, more creative and more connected to Source. I slept better at night and throughout the day I stayed in a more loving place, quietly welcoming interruptions as just another opportunity for movement that kept me connected to my Spiritual Nature.

Self-Coaching Tip: Increase Your Tolerance for Bliss

Several years ago, one of my life-long dreams came true. It took me by surprise and, once I recovered from the shock, I began crying uncontrollably. After an hour, I was still crying, wondering what was wrong with me. I called my therapist and told him what had happened. He told me I was crying because I was happy. I told him this didn't feel like happiness to me!

At that moment, my 6-year old son walked into the room, looked at my face and asked, "Momma, why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad. I'm happy."

"Why do you look sad?"

"Because I don't do happy very well, yet."

That seemed a perfectly logical answer to him and he went back to playing. And it seemed quite logical to me, too. I couldn't remember ever feeling quite like this before and the feeling scared me. It was too much of something, a good thing. But, now that I knew what it was, I could begin to learn how to process it.

I went into the living room, lit a fire in the fireplace, and, over the next two hours, attempted to let the happiness in. I did it slowly, a little bit at a time. Marveling at the new levels of joy and happiness I was beginning to experience. I began by setting an intention to allow in only as much joy as I could handle. Then, I breathed into the joy, focusing my attention on my heart because the energy of the joy seemed pressing down on my chest. I continued breathing into my heart, allowing it to be whatever it wanted to be. And soon the pain subsided, and a healing, calming presence replaced the scary pressure.

All my life, I've been holding on to, processing and healing painful emotions (energy). But, that day, I realized I had always pushed happiness and joy away, never allowing it in, never processing it, never tapping in to the healing qualities of these very positive emotions.

Because I had neglected getting to know these positive emotions, I didn't even recognize them when I felt them. They seemed too big, too overwhelming, too threatening. They scared me so much that I ran from them, assigning some negative connotation to them, and by extension, to me.

I've since discovered that as we learn to efficiently process emotions (energy), our bodies go through a detoxification, leaving us with new, sometimes, frightening feelings (emotions). Often these feelings, although initially painful, are really new, unfamiliar levels of peace, joy, happiness and/or contentment. Now, my clients and I periodically set our intentions to increase our Tolerance for Bliss.

Self-Coaching Tip: If You Can't Breathe....Laugh!

In the wee hours of a morning, during my son's first month of life, I rocked Jonathan to sleep after his two a.m. feeding. I had dozed for a moment or so, lulled by the gentle rhythmic rocking and the heat of our bodies against one another. When I swam back to consciousness, I opened my eyes expecting to find Jonathan asleep.

Instead, my son, whose waking moments always reminded me of an underwater ballet or a sleep walker, was wide awake. His large, midnight blue eyes sparkled in delight as they explored our surroundings. At one point in his "travels," he glanced at my face and moved on. Stopped. Moved back to my face. Realized I was awake. Shut his eyes tightly, his little body tensed as he feigned sleep.

"You little stinker!" I whispered awed by the level of consciousness I was witnessing.

Jonathan squeezed his eyes tighter, his grinning mouth open in soundless laughter while his body convulsed in ripples of delight. I laughed with him, the sounds he couldn't yet make echoing throughout the still house.

I held him in my arms all that night, reluctant to end this sacred moment. For in his playfulness, I had caught my first glimpse of Jonathan's soul and was caught up in the enchanted spell of my son's Being.

Something changed in me that night. It was if my heart opened to let in more of the Universe. And in the twelve years since that moment, my level of awareness continues to grow, as if mirroring Jonathan's ever-expanding consciousness.

In the first days of Jonathan's existence, I was overwhelmed by the responsibility for this tiny creature. Never in my life had I experienced such primal terror. It went way beyond any fear I had ever known and I relied upon the routine of motherhood to get me through each day. Awkwardly, I fed and bathed Jonathan. Changing diapers was a fifteen-minute ordeal that I struggled to get "right." (I have no idea how long it would have taken me if I'd had to contend with diaper pins! Thank the Goddess and disposable diaper manufacturers!)

Every waking moment – and, from the nightmares that I remember, every sleeping moment, too – was focused on Jonathan's well being. I felt possessed. Disoriented. My memory failed me. I couldn't remember how to do any tasks if they were not related to Jonathan's care. I forgot to keep appointments, unless they were with Jonathan's doctor. I kept Jonathan's room immaculate, but forgot to clean the rest of the house. I couldn't carry on an adult conversation unless I was talking about Jonathan. I was boring. I was lost.

But, that night, when Jonathan emerged from his sleepwalking state into consciousness, I woke from my fog of terror and surrendered to the spiritual path of parenting. And my first lesson was to honor and revere the Spiritual Teacher the Universe had sent me – my son. Jonathan's antics reminded me to breathe – and if you can't breathe, laugh. Our shared laughter that night brought forth my first inkling that parenting was not a solitary task, but an interaction, an interconnectedness, an interdependence with an Other. A Sacred Relationship.

In the months following my night of surrender, I took my first steps toward spiritual awareness. I moved from the single-mindedness of childhood and adolescence to what the parenting books call "diffuse awareness," the ability to be aware of your child while attending to other tasks. It was difficult at first, and awkward. I resented it. Gone were the days when I could block out the rest of the world by snuggling in a chair with the latest science fiction novel. Gone, too, were endless telephone conversations with friends. No more immersion into my passions for writing or daydreaming or dancing. This tiny person had taken over. He had insinuated his essence into every cell of my being. My whole reality was reduced to the care of Jonathan.

But, the process of parenting, like any spiritual path, provided both the motivation and the method for growth. Once again, Jonathan was my teacher and my mirror. I had always ignored my physical needs when working, focused solely on getting the job done...perfectly. When working, I forgot to eat; I ignored fatigue, pushing myself way beyond my physical limits; I chastised myself for mistakes; and sunk into depression when I became emotionally overwhelmed. My resentment about my narrowed world of parenting stemmed from my need to block out the rest of the world while performing any tasks. Jonathan taught me how to move out of this place of limited awareness through self-care.

Jonathan's world revolved around his physical needs. His insistent demands for food, sleep, dry diapers and attention were loud and clear. Only when his physical needs were met, could Jonathan engage with the rest of the world, including me. I finally realized he couldn't learn when those needs were not being met, and Jonathan was happiest when he was learning. So, following his lead, I began to learn how to listen to my own needs: to nap when I needed sleep, eat when I was hungry, play always, laugh whenever possible.

And my world began to expand. Performing tasks became easier and more enjoyable. I smiled more often. I began to experience moments of profound spiritual awareness, of complete inner peace. My body, which I had always ignored, and my son, who refused to be ignored, taught me a great spiritual truth: I need to remain connected to my body in order to experience my spirituality and stay connected to my Soul.

Self-Coaching Tip: When You're in a Hurry, Slow Down

The other morning, my son, Jonathan, and I overslept. We awoke shortly before he was due at school. While I sleepily got dressed, Jonathan began rushing through the house, trying to put on his clothes, eat his breakfast and gather up his schoolbooks, all at the same time.

Suddenly, he stopped and began talking to himself, "Ok, Jon, slow down. When you're in a rush, you need to slow down." He took a few deep breaths and slowed his walking and decided to focus on eating his breakfast.

The next few moments seemed to slow down too, as Jonathan and I worked in perfect tandem to get him ready for school. We slowed our breathing, our movements and our thoughts. Time seemed stretch out into infinity, giving us all the time we needed. We talked quietly, joked lovingly and arrived at school in time.

I used to think mindfulness was about totally focusing on whatever task I was doing, blocking out all distractions. Now I know that mindfulness is actually a skill: the ability to maintain an awareness of how you are reacting to external stimuli--physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

When I do shut down or block out what's going on around me, my job, housework or exercise actually triggers my body's stress response and blocks my ability to stay in the present moment. Blocking out external stimulus is a pattern we've learned throughout our lives. Here's how my son and I work to develop our mindfulness skills. Take a few moments during the day to try the following:

1. Choose 1 of the following activities.

* Washing dishes

* Reading

* Paying

* Getting dressed

* Folding laundry

* Ironing

* Yard work

* Cooking

* Minor home repair

* Straightening your desk

* Answering email

* Other _____________

2. During the first few minutes, do the activity more quickly than normal.

3. Then do the activity more slowly than normal for a few minutes.

4. Finish the activity at a pace that is comfortable for you.

5. Take a moment to journal about your noticings.

Tip: Try to do this activity several times over the next week, at different times of the day and notice any similarities or differences if you:

* Change the activity

* Change the time of day

* Do the activity when you don't feel like doing it

And remember, this is supposed to be FUN! Just play with it.

Self-Coaching Tip: Community is the Place Where Your Gifts are Received

The word "community" comes from a Latin word that means "the place where our gifts are received."

What a powerful thought: the place where our gifts are received!

I spent a large part of my life wanting to feel as if I belonged. To have the gift of ME accepted, understood and valued. I longed for someone to truly see me for who I was instead of for what I could do for them or how well I performed.

But, until I learned the self-coaching skills to do this for myself, I found myself ignoring or pushing away any attempt by others to receive my gifts. Teachers tried to take me under their wing. Adult neighbors often protected me from bullies. My parents tried to let me know they loved me in a variety of ways. Girl friends tried to include me. Boys and men I dated often adored me. But, I couldn't see it because I was so busy judging myself as lacking in some way and distrusting others' motives.

And the problem was compounded because many who were attempting to let me know how valued I was to them, had the same problem. They were insecure with their own gifts so when I refused their overtures, they quickly backed down.

Fortunately, I came into contact with a couple of people who didn't back down. Who had developed the skills to not be influenced by other people's reactions. They had found their gifts, were accepting of themselves and were able to model that acceptance for me.

These wonderful people gave me my first glimpse of a community as a place where my gifts are received. And I was hooked!

Activating Your Gifts

I set an intention to learn how to do this for myself and my family. I tried a variety of things, but the first strategy that worked was to look at those people I truly loved and admired and wanted to be like.

I wrote down the names of everyone I knew. Then, next to their names I wrote down every trait and quality I admired. As I was doing this, I realized that one of my beliefs kept running through my head: "people who annoy you are mirroring back a part of yourself that you find annoying."

I stopped for a moment, wondering why this thought kept repeating over and over. I was trying to focus on the positive, admirable traits of everyone on my list. Why was this thought distracting me?

And then, I heard an old math teacher's voice in my head: "mathematical equations work in both directions."

I stopped breathing for a moment.

I looked back at my list trying to absorb the impact of what I had just learned.

And then I wrote down my new belief: "If people with negative traits are mirroring unclaimed parts of myself back to me, then people who I love and admire are mirroring unclaimed parts of me too!"

That was a turning point for me. Instead of focusing my energy on getting rid of the unwanted traits in myself, I began focusing on reclaiming the positive, loving aspects of myself. And, once I turned my attention to what I did want for me, more and more people showed up in my life who had those same traits. They supported me in activating those traits and in learning how to stay true to myself, even when others disagreed with me.

Today, all of the communities I belong to are places where my gifts are received because I learned how to receive myself.

Self-Coaching Tip: Pre-Tend to Your Future

From a very early age, we have had the ability to visualize or tap into our kinesthetic body. We called it "pretending." As children, we routinely tried on new patterns of Being, instinctually exploring our Authentic Nature by trying on different personas and seeing how they "fit." Being a ballerina or astronaut may have "resonated" with our Authentic Self, while being the ‘bad guy’ might have left us feeling cold.

When we tried on a persona that resonated, we delved into that experience over and over, developing a deep affinity for the traits we perceived as "ballerina," or “astronaut," or "doctor." Most of us stopped pretending as we moved into adulthood, judging the practice as immature. But, actually, pretending is an easy and effortless way to change from a state of fear, anxiety or uncertainty to a state of love, confidence, and hope.

Pretending allows us to tap into our Spiritual Power by combining thought with movement. When we pretend and really get into the experience of pretending, we begin to activate the traits within us that support, rather than inhibit attracting the life we want. The power of pretending lies in the purposeful movement that amplifies the trait we want to activate and maintain. The purposeful movement in pretending includes rhythm, breathing and posture.

Think of it as Pre-Tending to your future. By moving into the energetic essence of what you want to co-create with Source, you’re activating the Law of Attraction. More importantly, you’re focused on BE-ing in the moment and ‘allowing’ Source to worry about how it will show up. State your intention to stay in this ‘play’ energy while completing a task and notice any changes in your body, thoughts and emotions while pretending your way through the task.

"Swept up by the deepest states of play, one feels balanced, creative, focused. Deep play is a fascinating hallmark of being human; it reveals our need to seek a special brand of transcendence, with a passion that makes thrill-seeking explicable, creativity possible, and religion inevitable." ~ Diane Ackerman, author of Deep Play

Self-Coaching Tip: Your Soul's Desires Activate the Law of Attraction

Sometimes knowing about the Law of Attraction can get you into trouble. You begin to measure your spiritual growth by what you’re attracting into your life. You know, getting the flu means you're harboring less than joyful emotions, lower back pain means you have a poor relationship with money, feeling fear means you're spiritually lacking. You judge what is coming into your life, and subsequently, you judge your self. But Spirit, in it’s infinite wisdom, is sending you exactly what you need to attract what you truly desire.

Here's an example from Belinda Ryan, a Master Spiritual Life Coach:

"While going through a sticky divorce, my lawyer told me I couldn’t sell the house. However, my ex-husband wasn’t paying alimony, my lawyer refused to do any more work until he was paid, and my checking account was overdrawn. I needed the money that selling the house would bring me.

"I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. ‘Why?’ was a question all too available.

"Realizing my question put me in a ‘victim’ place, I asked myself, ‘What can I do for myself in this moment?’

"I broke away from my upset to take a shower. While calming down under the warm water, I remembered to ask myself some more connecting questions such as ‘What do I really want?’

"My answer shocked me: ‘Well, I really want to stay in the house with my children!’"

Get in Touch with What You Truly Want, Not What You Think You Want

The Law of Attraction is always working to bring you what you truly want; not what you think you want. Belinda learned that the Law of Attraction would make it impossible for her to give up what she truly desired even though logic told her she had to sell her house in order to provide for her children.

The Law of Attraction is activated by your desires (emotions). It doesn’t take into account what you perceive as the ‘logical thing to do’ nor does it take into account any judgments you may have about your own desires.

As long as you remain unconscious about your deeply held emotional desires, you feel helpless and powerless to deal with whatever you’re attracting into your life. Only when you have a self-coaching process to bring into conscious awareness your deepest desires can you begin to feel empowered and consciously activate the Law of Attraction.

The most miraculous aspect of the Law of Attraction is that it doesn’t keep score. For example, once you’ve connected in with your Soul’s Desire and gotten clear about what you want, the Law of Attraction goes to work. You don’t have to clear your account of all the times you unintentionally or unconsciously attracted something else.
To Activate the Law of Attraction, You Must Allow in Your Deepest Desires

Allowing is a self-coaching skill that requires specific body, emotion and thought patterns. Once Belinda began to “allow” (stop resisting) her Deepest Desire to stay in the family home even though it appeared financially foolish, the external situation changed immediately.

Belinda’s attorney, who had refused to do any more work for her until he was paid, changed his attitude. He worked to get the back support payments from Belinda’s ex-husband so he could be paid. This also gave Belinda the money she needed to provide for her children.

Over the following months of the divorce proceedings, Belinda realized how much stability she and the children felt because they stayed in the house. If they had moved, Belinda and her children would have had to deal with two major life-changing stresses: moving AND divorce. Staying in the house, a familiar setting, gave them a sense of comfort and security during the major changes that occurred because of the divorce.

Belinda also had a new intention for herself: “I am open to other possibilities so that I can recognize solutions when they arrive instead of remaining blinded by my panic.”


(excerpted from "Spiritual Cross-Training: REAL-izing Your Authentic Power in Today's World)

Self-Coaching Tip: Change the Questions You Ask Your Self

Sometimes knowing about the Law of Attraction gets me into trouble. I begin to measure my spiritual growth by what I'm attracting into my life. You know, getting caught in traffic means I'm harboring less than joyful emotions, lower back pain means I had a poor relationship with money, fighting with my ex means I'm spiritually lacking.

But, the Universe in it's infinite wisdom, finds a way to get me back on track. In this case, it happened while coaching a client. She was berating herself for attracting Candida into her life and trying desperately to figure out what she had done wrong. She knew she had done something wrong because she no longer felt connected to Spirit, no longer felt joyful and loving. In fact, she felt quite miserable and depressed.

And out of my mouth comes, "Why do you think being connected to Spirit means you're going to feel good?"

Now, when I'm coaching, I've set my Intention to let Spirit coach through me. So, when something like that question comes out, something that has no relation to what I believe, I know Spirit is speaking.

And when Spirit asks, I listen. Because these coaching sessions are not just about the client. I get coached by Spirit, too. And no matter what a client is working on, I know he/she is mirroring to me something I'm supposed to work on.

So, I set to work, clearing away some of my limiting beliefs about the Law of Attraction. I began by stopping myself from asking, "what am I doing wrong?" every time I got a migraine headache. That question dis-empowered me. It made me feel worse about myself.

Instead, I began asking, "what guidance am I receiving?" And, miraculously, the way I felt about myself changed. I became more accepting and loving about myself. And I realized the headache was guidance to take care of myself. From there, I struggled and finally learned how to give myself permission to stop driving myself to complete a task and take the time to nurture myself.

Change a Dis-Connecting Question to a Connecting Question

There are two kinds of questions we can ask ourselves when we are faced with challenges (contrast)—questions that connect us to our Soul/Source or questions that dis-connect us from our Soul/Source:

Disconnecting questions take us to automatic reaction, judgment, blame and a “win-lose” mind-set. These questions take us to the energy of judgment, pessimism, stress and limitations.

Our mindset becomes reactive, inflexible and judgmental. Our relationship with our Self and Source operates in an “attack or defend” mode. (e.g., What’s wrong with me? Whose fault is it? Why bother? How can I stay in control?)

Connecting questions allow us to manage our thought energies by focusing on solutions. These questions activate a “win-win” intention. Connecting questions shift our energy to vibrate optimism, hope and possibilities. Our mindset becomes thoughtful, flexible and accepting.

Connecting questions shift the energy of our relationship to Soul/ Source towards a collaborative and innovative mode. (e.g., What’s right with me? What are my choices? What action steps would be practical and strategic? What can I learn? What do I need?)

Whenever you notice your questions are disconnecting, take a moment to change it so you re-connect to your Soul.

Self-Coaching Tip: Take 1-2 Minute Movement Breaks

Self-Coaching Tips - Quantum Spirit

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Intention is Everything!

When I first began keeping a journal, my intention was to record all the horrid little details of my life to protect myself from having to repeat them. But the intention – protection – was coming from a place of fear. I felt powerless to stop the misery in my life and so I’d focus all my attention on my misery, hoping to find a way to stop it. Of course that didn’t work. The more I focused on it, the more miserable I became; my misery, like a scratched record, stuck in one place, kept repeating itself ad nauseum.

And then, one day, a friend gave me a copy of The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. The author, Julia Cameron, suggests writing ‘morning pages’ to allow us to get out of our own way and tap into our creativity. Since I was tired and bored of my own stories, I decided to give it a try. I had nothing to lose.

Surprisingly, the format of my journal entries didn’t change much. I still recorded every little miserable detail of my life. But, now my Intention had changed. After a few days of this, I began feeling lighter, less afraid. After another week, I discovered a very old, buried belief I had:

“If I forget anything, someone will die.”

Uncovering this belief was quite a shock!

I’m not sure where it came from, but I knew/felt it was an explanation I had developed as a very young child to protect myself. I looked at the dozens of journals I had written over the last few decades. Every single one of them was born from a child’s need to feel protected.

I began writing each day to this inner child. Telling her I was now an adult and I had discovered easier ways of protection. I thanked her profusely for loving me so strongly that she would use all of her energies to ‘remember’ everything in an attempt to protect me from others. I told her that was a lot of responsibility for such a little girl and, if she was ready, I was willing to take over now.

I felt her relief in my body. She was more than willing to give up this job and become a little girl again. We continued conversing on the pages of my journals and after a few more days, when she could see that her belief was no longer necessary, we created a solemn ceremony and burned all the old journals.

Once I took over the role of protector, this small inner child surprised me once again. Relieved of her responsibilities, she showed me another aspect of her amazing power: she was the source of my creativity! She was wild and joyous and a wannabe writer with a wicked sense of humor. She couldn’t wait for us to begin writing every day, delighted when her words appeared on the page. She’d giggle when I’d look at what we’d written and was surprised at seeing paragraphs and sentences that I had no memory of writing.

After forty years of recording my misery, it took only a week for the healing to begin once I changed my intention. Now, I was partnering with my fear and need for protection in a new way. This new partnership led me back to this young part of myself who held the power of my creativity. Now, 10 years later, she’s always present when I’m writing and wants you to know that writing this story was her idea.

What's your Intention for today?


To learn more self-coaching ideas, join our Spiritual Cross-Training program on May 18, 2009.